


But Inside I'm Sill Screaming

by StarsNeverLanding



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Character Death, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Fluffy Smut, Heroin, Levi/Eren Yeager - Freeform, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Rehabilitation, Relapsing, Self-Harm, Smut, ereri, riren - Freeform, rivaere - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-03-07 21:35:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13443867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarsNeverLanding/pseuds/StarsNeverLanding
Summary: It was years ago when Levi took his last sober breath and ever since he's been chained to the urges deep within to keep using the one thing that keeps him from wandering back to the past that always seems to be lurking; heroin. He's maintained a hardened philosophy that if he doesn't admit it out loud, there is no problem, and it's worked so far, well, that is until a beautiful green eyed brat with his own shattered past wanders into Levi's fucked up world.The more they connect in ways Levi never imagined to be possible, the more he realizes he isn't the only one grappling with lingering scars of the past.But who will scream for help first?





	1. Evil Passenger

**Author's Note:**

> This book will also be updated on my Wattpad account, where several other of my works have been posted. I may or may not post them here in the future, I have yet to decide. My user there is also "StarsNeverLanding" and the book is also still titled "But Inside I'm Still Screaming". My chapters range from 2,5000 words to 4,000 words. I honesty don't know if that's long or not. 
> 
> I'm also new to Ao3 so I'm still learning how it works.
> 
> Please note that I am not copying the book "Crack of Sunlight" by PercalineRose nor did I gain inspiration from her book. 
> 
> Enjoy~
> 
> -

It's crazy how nearing the end of September, the snow had already begun to fall from the dark clouds hanging high above the skyscrapers to taint the city with its coldness. It was odd since the city normally gets snow from November to mid March. Flakes danced down from the sky and covered the city in a blanket. Windows of cars, shops, and houses frosted up, sometimes in artistic ways and Levi couldn’t help but stare at the frosty designs covering the windows outside the well known tattoo shop he worked at. It would have been a good day to drive to work but that was dangerous; with a fresh high wall of snow on some of the sidewalks and the roads slick, it would only end badly. 

“It's really coming down out there, ain’t it short stuff?” Like nails on a chalkboard, the voice of his coworker caused him to cringe slightly. That woman; she was annoying with how lively she acted and spoke, but what was even more odd was that to Levi, she could be so loud that it gave him a headache, but when the time came, she could be soft as a candle flicker. Almost like she was bipolar. And she _knew_ things: weird and helpful things.  But the way she felt and portrayed her feelings boggled Levi’s mind. 

She lived her life to the fullest every day, never was she afraid to try new things. Having a ~~friend~~ coworker like that was like she was living and feeling for the both of them. Hell, she might even be breathing for the both of them every now and then when Levi didn’t have enough breath, and wouldn’t be bothered to tell her.

Levi clicked his tongue and turned his back to the frost covered window. “I thought we _talked_ about that nickname,” he said, changing the subject over to the name he despised being referred to as. The woman insisted on calling Levi nicknames that referred to his short height. Short stuff, midget, elf, shorty. Anything and everything that would get a rise out of the raven, that would make him react to her even the smallest amount.

Hanji ignored him, a bright smile appearing on her lips as she adjusted the black frames resting on her face and the messy ponytail that rested high on her head. “I could give you a ride. And maybe we could get dinner together like how we used to!” 

~~_Like how we used to before I signed over my life to another._ ~~

Like how they used to when they first met several years ago, the year Levi became a tattoo artist and started at the shop. 

“I can walk, four eyes,” Levi spat with another light click of his tongue. He couldn’t waste any more time arguing with her, he was running out of time and if he continued to speak to her, he’d crack. His true, inner, and drug-hungry self would emerge from the hellish depths of his own corrupted mind. 

A smaller figure appeared from behind Hanji and spoke, “Oh but Levi, it's too cold. You’re always complaining about not wanting to get sick yet you keep walking to and from work in the cold!” Petra, always making a point, but with good- _too good_ \- intentions. She worried herself almost daily over how ~~_dead_~~ sickly he looked with his pale skin and sunken in eyes. 

~~_Did she ever notice his shaky hands or the scars?_ ~~

“I ...like to torture myself I guess.” The tone barely sounded as matter-of-factly as he’d hoped. His voice rarely carried a higher tone than neutral when he didn’t feel as much anymore. But still. What a piss poor excuse. 

She shook her head at his response and walked over to her station which was clean and organized- _no_ thanks to Levi and his obsession with things always being in order. Her deep, ocean blue dress was shorter in the front and longer in the back and flowed behind her just enough for Levi to notice as she walked. She didn’t fit in with the dark and grungy place covered in nothing but drawings- some crueler than the others. Petra’s happy exterior and golden heart seemed too pure for this kind of place. Sure, Hanji was just as happy, but she could be _so_ enthusiastic at times that it was almost scary. Plus, that woman’s mind was completely perverted, and not in a good way. 

“Come _on_ , Levi!” Hanji begged. She only ever used his name when she wanted something. Levi sighed. He wasn’t going to budge, his inner self wouldn’t allow it. 

He grabbed his backpack and slung it over his right shoulder after he slipped on his leather jacket and gray and white beanie. Snowflakes landed on his skin and blended in with the shade it was before melting. He tilted his head up, turning it slightly to his right to see the sign with “Bound by Design” written across it by Sean, the cheesy guy who owned the shop. At first Levi hated the name, but it had grown on him over the years he had come to cherish the name attached to an old shop owned by a cheery man in his mid thirties.

Snow crunched beneath black tennis shoes while Levi headed in the direction leading toward his house, but that wasn’t his final destination. He had a stop to make, one that wouldn’t take more than a couple minutes but he wasn’t sure how long he’d last. His fished his phone from his back pocket and sent a text to one of his dealers, to meet him outside of an old, abandoned warehouse where Levi hid yet another secret from everyone around him. 

Busy streets died down as he made a right turn between two buildings that were close together. Some would see it as just another sketchy alley but to Levi, it was like a yellow brick road leading him to the thing that didn’t make him feel at all and he welcomed this existence. He enjoyed being able to escape from everything that haunted him when he was awake and taunted him when he was asleep. But his escape was only temporary and could only do so much. Nothing would ever completely rid him of his past. It would be there forever _~~and ever and ever and ever~~ _ , haunting him until he took his final breaths.

No one was there yet when Levi arrived except a few people who showed up a few times a day to make sure cops weren’t snooping around. Inside was a large fighting ring marked by two sets of brown rope tied to the four pillars that held up the second level of the warehouse which opened up down to the the first floor so onlookers could watch from above. There was a table set up at the door so they could collect an entrance fee and a fee for people who want to go up against the fighters Levi thought would win. On the other side of the warehouse was yet another table where bets were placed. 

Winner takes all- unless it's one of Levi’s fighters because in that case- winner takes seventy-five percent. 

He popped his head inside. Seeing the lights on, he instantly knew someone was inside. Levi pushed the door shut and looked around before walking up a set of stairs to the second story of the place. An office set off to the side, Levi’s office, had its lights on and the door open, causing a flicker of anxiety to light up his heart for a moment. 

“Hello?” a deep, recognizable voice called from within the office and instantly, all fluttering built up inside Levi’s chest vanished. 

“Erwin?” Once Levi called the name of the voice, a blond head with eyebrows almost as big as Levi’s fingers popped his head into the hallway. “What’re you doing here?”

“Your fighters won, I was just putting your profits in the stash you have.” Levi was hesitant to believe Erwin at first but then he realized it was _Erwin,_ and that the blond asshole wouldn’t fuck with Levi’s things without reason. “I didn’t check the betting table last night after the fights, the entrance and participation profits were put in here last night though.”

Levi nodded in understanding and waved off the conversation with his hand since he didn’t need Erwin to explain any further. “Take some of the profits.” Erwin had risen an eyebrow at Levi’s words since the younger often kept most the profits to himself and never allowed someone to just take from the stash he had hidden in the office. He believed Erwin deserved something for always organizing the fights.

Erwin didn't argue or say anything further, he just gave a short nod and shoved some of the money into his pockets. “What’re you doing here anyway?” Erwin asked as he stood fully since he was on his knees before. 

“ ~~I’m here to feed my addiction~~. I need some of the cash for rent and shit,” Levi lied right through his teeth as he gazed at the taller man and then moved to grab a couple hundred from under the desk that was pushed up against the wall.

The blond emitted a faint sound from his throat before he gave a nod of understanding and said his goodbyes. Just gone without out another word, Levi was relieved to finally get the money he desperately needed to pay the rent for the evil passenger to subside somewhere within him. The being who had taken over his clean blood with its filthy claws and harmonious voice singing him to sleep at night, as was their relationship. 

The loud sound of the door Levi used to enter the warehouse slamming shut informed him that Erwin had left but it wasn’t minutes later than it reopened. Footsteps belonging to more than one person clicked on the concrete floors of the first floor and bounced off the walls into Levi’s office. With the cash in hand, Levi left his office after shutting the door and turning the lights off and leaned on the railing to look down at the people who had just entered his warehouse. 

By the fighting ring stood a tall blond man accompanied by a tall brown haired man, The blond was Reiner but Levi wasn’t able to name the other man in his mind despite seeing him countless times in the past. They both wore some sort of black clothing while on Reiner’s back was a gray backpack, the one used to carry the food and utensils used to feed the evil passenger. 

“You’re late,” Levi said, his eyes still glued to the two men. Whenever he was around them, he kept his guard up just in case. Drug dealers are dangerous, pushy people who will do what they can to get someone addicted to the drug they sell because said person would have to keep going back just to satisfy the urges grown into them. 

Snickers followed by a short roar of laughter came from Reiner and then he took his backpack off. “Hello to you, too.” His voice was coarse and heartless and Levi hated it. If he was being honest with himself, he hated Reiner as well, but he couldn’t shake him when Levi needed him for his contacts. Besides, it was hard to distance yourself from the person and dealer who got you hooked on the drugs in the first place...

Levi pushed himself off the railing and then walked down the stairs, taking his time since Reiner had been late. The sound of bags shuffling got louder and louder once Levi descended the final step and moved to stand in front of the backpack and owner of said sanctuary. It was then that Reiner stood fully, a bag of crushed powder in one hand and another bag of unopened needles in the other, and Levi noticed just how much the blond dwarfed him, not that he didn’t notice it before.  

The exchange of drugs for money between the two was silent, no eye contact or words from either of them as Reiner took the money and Levi took the drugs and equipment. Reiner had been Levi’s dealer for years, so the exchange was more or less a routine for them. Conversing wasn’t needed and Levi treasured the light silence... but that also scared him. Silence made him much more aware of things going on his head, the evil passenger urging Levi to do what he knew was wrong in more ways than one, but he couldn’t disobey as the consequences for not listening were far greater than the ones of listening to his evil passenger. 

 

* * *

 

Reiner left and shortly after, Levi was departed as well. The passenger was beginning to grow unsteady- more unstable. He could feel the symptoms of withdrawal kicking in (that was the curse of being addicted) and the symptoms ran into him like a truck mainly once the high was truly over. 

Snow was still falling as he began the miserable trek to his apartment complex, and the clouds had turned a much darker gray. Night was setting in and Levi hadn’t even noticed. He shivered from the air whipping past his face. 

It didn’t help that the symptoms were taking the ache to his bones and muscles by this point. That was just the start of it. He knew if he didn’t hurry up, the worst would barge in without invitation or a pleasant warning.

A figure in one of the many alleyways on the way to Levi’s apartment complex sat curled up by a large dumpster. He stopped in his tracks and gazed at the figure from the corner of his eye. It shook and even coughed a cough that reminded Levi of his own: the cough of an addict.

While clicking his tongue, Levi shoved his vices into the pocket of his jacket and pulled a cigarette of his other pocket. He quickly stuck it between his lips and inhaled deeply before he moved closer to the figure to observe it, or them, more. Oh, how the evil passenger yelled and cursed him out for doing such a thing but Levi couldn’t help himself from delaying his walk home even more.

It- the figure- was a boy. He wasn’t wearing much, just a green jacket, dirty jeans, and a pair of shoes that looked worn out beyond belief. His skin seemed to glow under the snow and his brown hair seemed frozen since the flakes were landing on his head and then melting from what little heat he was radiating from his body. A small jug sat in from him and inside was nothing but change- no bills, just change. With little more than slight hesitation, Levi put the remainder of his drug money in the jug. It was just enough for the boy to buy food for the next day and possibly a hat or pair of gloves. 

A small trembling sound left the boy’s throat that sounded like “Thank you…” and then he was staring up at Levi, and it was like the raven had forgot how to breathe. Sea foam green eyes met dull, gray-blue ones from beneath a chocolate set of dirty bangs, and there, Levi had momentarily forgotten his evil passenger and his need to not feel. But right then and there, he was feeling so much because that boy was smiling despite the awful situation he was in. 

_~~Why do you smile like that? You shouldn’t, you should find a way to take the pain away. I could help… I have the key to rid all the pain I’m sure you have. And I wouldn’t even offer a price for some reason.~~   _

Levi gave a small nod and turned on his heels to walk away. His desperation to not feel was back, and it was strong. 

 

* * *

 

“Where the hell were you?” Mikasa, Levi’s younger sister, asked the moment he stepped through the door. 

“Why are you here?” he countered in a low, already annoyed voice. She was protective, protective in a way that made feel Levi she was suffocating him with her constant and incessant worrying. She wasn’t his mom, but damn did she try to be, and that killed Levi more.

She lifted a bag of food up from her side and then tossed it on the small, circular dining table. “I brought you food, Levi.” God, why did she have to say his name like that? Why did she have to act like their mother? _Why?_ She didn’t know the pain it caused Levi each time she did and she didn’t know Levi hated her for it. He hated her for bringing up so many past memories that haunted him… But he shouldn’t hate her for it because she didn’t know, but that just fueled his hate even more, how oblivious she was.

“I don’t need you bringing me anything and I don’t need you checking on me like I’m a baby,” he said coolly, refusing to look her in the eye anymore. “You could have called and asked first to even see if it was okay for you to come over,” Levi said in a monotone voice. The evil passenger urged him to contain his rage and annoyance. 

A fire lit in her eyes as she narrowed them. “Because I worry. Is that a crime?”

And there he went. _Fuck._ “Yes!” disobeying the evil passenger wasn’t a frequent hobby of his, but he’d already broken a few rules today. So what the hell… “Your useless pestering isn’t going to help anybody.”

It was blur, the events to follow. Mikasa grabbed her purse, slipped her shoes on, and pulled her coat off the back of one of the wooden chairs surrounding the dinner table. No words left her mouth as she brushed past Levi, her shoulder knocking into his while he stayed in his spot. The door slamming shut, that loud sound, rang in his ears for many long minutes after she left. 

_Fuck._

He removed his coat after coming to his senses and slipped his shoes off, each movement slower than the next. Levi stared at the bag after entering the kitchen, but couldn’t bring himself to touch it ...because he was hungry for something else, that would bring a greater amount of satisfaction. The kind that would run through his whole being in seconds and bring a much deeper help. 

The bathroom was like the dining room, the spoon the plate, the needle the fork, and the heroin the food. In the bathroom one moment, Levi couldn’t remember when he reached it or how long he had been crouched in front of the sink with the cabinet doors open, but he was there with the baggie and pack of needles in hand. He could have sworn he was in the kitchen staring at the food Mikasa brought him for longer than that, but at least he was where he needed to be, and this was no illusion of food. Here was honest to hell comfort.

Each step, the process of cooking the heroin on the spoon with a lighter, was a type of familiarity that almost brought joy to his veins, but the evil passenger stopped it from entering and kicked Levi back to work. On the spoon was some water and within that water was the brown powder that would change to a liquid once the heat from the lighter was accustomed. His thumb burned from the fire being emitted from the lighter, but he never once stopped. He endured the pain until he felt the powder was dissolved enough. 

The best part was yet to come. His shaky, bony hands ripped open the bag of needles and his fingers wrapped around one. He tried to steady himself as he pulled back more of the liquid in the syringe. This is where he couldn’t fuck up. With the liquid in the needle, he removed the belt from his pants and tied it around his upper arm. There it was, the blue vein he was in search for, the one that would drink up this meal he was about to feed it. His hands were steady during the period of sticking the needle in his arm. A sharp pinch shot through his arm once he stuck the needle but he put up with it as he sucked up some of his blood to make sure the needle was in the vein. His eyes honed in on the red liquid mixing and tangling with the heroin before he finally pushed it all into his vein. 

Tingles ran through his arm and then it coursed through his entire body in a matter of seconds. There was a small high, but with it, he was able to function. In that moment, he forgot about the shop, his childhood, the fight with Mikasa… The way that green eyed boy looked at him in the alley... like he was some sort of saint. Never in twenty-four years had anyone looked at him that far. And it angered his evil passenger.

 


	2. Momentarily

_Ever since I could remember..._

 -

Waves of winter air whipped past Levi’s face as he stepped out of the tattoo shop and looked around the busy street to see some of the snow that had fallen several days before had begun to melt under the sun rays that shone onto the reflective sidewalk. Levi inhaled deeply and found himself coughing before he could even fill his lungs completely with air.

~~_Heroin will do that to you._ ~~

Cigarettes will do that to you. 

Several days had passed since Levi last saw or spoke to Mikasa, a thing that would baffle his ~~friends~~ coworkers if they knew considering Mikasa and Levi talk once a day as a way to check on him. Levi hated it, the fact that he was constantly being checked on since she called him more than once a day, and his passenger hated it just as much, if not more for the strong desire to have Levi all to itself. But at least he knew she cared for him. 

Levi was on his way to meet her for lunch (like they do once every week) and that’s where he would apologize even though the evil passenger kept telling him he wasn’t wrong for getting mad at her the way he did. There was a pang of guilt in his chest, but instantly burned up by the evil passenger were any and all feelings that it had forbidden.

Beginning his walk down the busy street of the city, Levi glanced around when he felt a pair of eyes boring into him. He realized it wasn’t one pair of eyes but several; the eyes of the wandering people who walked past him. 

He was used it, people judging him because of his outer appearance but he couldn't blame them, now could he? He’d stare too if he saw someone who looked just as dead as himself. Someone who couldn’t put two pieces of clothing that matches together, much less care about their appearance in any other way. “Other people” took up too much space in his circle of “friends” he’d build with his evil passenger.

Levi walked past the alleyway that lead to the warehouse and thought about paying the old place a visit to make sure no one was snooping around it, or no one was inside, but Mikasa was waiting on him. After lunch seemed like a better idea anyway. Less prying eyes.

Different smells from different baked goods and pastries as well as cream and certain brews wafted out of the café the moment Levi opened the door. It was a small café, “Rose’s Corner”, and not well known because of its small size and somewhat hidden location. It was the type of place that rarely had any new customers but managed to keep its regulars around. With its brick walls, rustic shiplap flooring, and retro stainless steel counter and table tops, the place held a sort of coziness to its atmosphere. The place was dimly lit by the single edison bulbs  that hung from the ceiling and fake candles placed at the center of each table, but the minimal light was enough for the whole place since it didn’t require a huge crowd anyway. 

In the corner of the café sat a kerosene fireplace and by the fire sat a table with two chairs. Mikasa occupied one of them with the other left open. She sipped her coffee and the view reminded Levi of just how much she looked like their mom- totally concentrated and immersed in her own world. Her black hair, same as his, matched well with her skin that was between the scale of pale and ivory. And the eyes, eyes that were nearly identical to Levi’s- but hers were wider and not quite as dull from a lack of proper living. 

“Hey,” he mumbled, taking a seat across from her. 

She stayed silent as she pushed a small, white china tea cup from the center of the table in front of Levi. Steam floated up from it, and with each breath he took, Levi could smell the bitterness of the drink. 

“Mikasa?” his hands ghosted around the brim of the cup. The steam was blocked by his pale, bony hand and left a stinging pain behind, but he ignored it as he slowly sipped from it. “Mikasa.” Again, no answer. 

Why wasn’t he surprised by her behavior? She always stayed silent when her and Levi got into fights where Levi was in the wrong, sometimes even when she was in the wrong- depending on the situation- and it was always him who had to make the first move. It tore at his pride. He didn’t do anything wrong the night at his apartment. It wasn’t her place to barge into his home and start questioning him about where he was or what he was doing when it wasn’t any of her business to begin with. Yelling most likely wasn’t the best thing for him to do but he was fed up with her, or rather, the evil passenger was.

Sighing to himself, he said, “I… am sorry for yelling at you.” Death seemed like a pleasant alternative in that given moment and he would welcome it with opens arms if it came bursting down the glass doors of the café. “But you need to call me if you’re going to go to my house. Don’t be showing up unannounced, okay?”

Seconds went by: four- Levi counted in his head- before she gave a nod but didn’t dare to lift her eyes up from her cup in her hands. Dipping his head downwards a bit, Levi gazed into her eyes and saw that she was contemplating- or searching- in the deepest part of her mind so she could  form thoughts in her head. Her mouth opened as if she was going to say something but it shut seconds later and cringed further so that her hair could create a wall between her and Levi. 

Levi did manage to peak through her hair to see a light pink blush had crept onto her cheeks and there was the smallest grin on her face. A sigh left his lips to know that whatever plagued her mind was making her happy. 

“You know Jean, right?” she asked in a quiet, timid voice and finally lifted her head like the two were having a normal conversation for once. 

He gave a nod as an answer. Jean: a loud mouthed kid who was overly cocky and/or confident. Levi had only met the guy a handful of times but that was enough for him to know that the kid wasn’t going to be on Levi’s good side, or the evil passenger’s for that matter. No one really was.

“He asked me out.” Levi thought the words had come out jumbled and he waited for Mikasa to correct herself, but she never did. The same light blush and smile from before were lighting up her features. 

Levi cocked one of his thin, dark brows upward as if to say “go on”. She didn’t. She stayed silent and seemed to enjoy the feeling of two tons being lifted off her shoulders. How long had she been waiting to tell Levi the news? From what he could tell, she had been waiting for quite some time. 

“I said yes,” she said in the faintest of voices. 

...

Shouldn’t Levi feel happy for her? Happy to know she found another who cared about her in ways Levi never could? He knew down inside the answer was yes but he felt something different; unidentifiable, he told himself. There was no trace of happiness for her left in him. She’d grown up. She didn’t need him. Hadn’t for the longest time, but now it was being voiced out loud.

Mikasa was the only family the raven had left in the world, and once she left him, his world would be nothing but shrapnel and debris. 

 

**∮**

 

Fifteen minutes before the raven’s lunch break ended, the two went their separate ways for the rest the day. He hated lying to Mikasa, but if he wanted to see if the warehouse was still the way he left it last time he was there, he’d have to leave their “bonding session” early. He didn’t go to the warehouse like he had originally planned. In fact, he walked right past the alleyway that went to it and he kept on with the road that lead to his apartment complex. 

A cigarette hung from his mouth as he peered down each and every alley.

There was a figure curled up by the same dumpster and in the same tattered clothing as before, but this time, a pair of black gloves covered his hands. Levi was shocked to know that the kid had put the money he gave him to good use. He was even more shocked to realize that _he_ was the one that the raven had sought after subconsciously. What was with him today?

Slowly, Levi decided to give into a whim- since there was something he was obviously looking for… and made his way back over to the kid.

But the brunet didn’t look up. Levi doubted he was sleeping in that position, but he wasn’t going to bother disturbing him  There was a line Levi didn’t cross, even now. He didn’t want to involve anyone in this shitfest of a life. He’d let the poor boy go- it wasn’t worth the curiosity of his sickened mind. He hated himself for these human emotions that seemed to reside in him still, and faintly wondered why this boy hadn’t to do a single thing to bring them out of him. Nonetheless, he dropped another ten into the bucket, unsure of what else to do standing in front of the slump on the ground like he was. He also left the bag of leftovers he hadn’t eaten at the café. If he wasn’t going to eat it at the café, he sure as well wasn’t going to eat it later on when it would be dry and cold and no longer taste good. 

The dingy looking boy watched Levi’s movements with that same overly grateful look in his eyes as Levi was just straightening back up, and Levi caught his gaze a second time. It was just a simple look, he was well aware of that fact, but he couldn’t help letting him see further into the green eyes than he may have wanted to. Maybe...

“Thank you… again,” Trying to keep his eyes and face hidden, he watched Levi give a small nod and stay quiet. The boy didn’t move. How strong he must be, Levi thought absently.

Just like he did the day he first laid eyes on that boy, Levi turned on the heels of his boots and walked into the sea of people crowding the busy sidewalks. 

~~_What a mistake you’re making._ ~~

 

**∮**

 

Buzzing filled his ears upon walking into the tattoo shop and found that Hanji was tattooing a woman’s name the ass cheek of a man who looked like he was on the verge of falling asleep with each second that passed. Petra was cleaning up her black leather chair with blue liquid in a spray bottle and a white rag. Levi went to assume that she had just finished with a client not too long ago.

“How was your date?” Sean asked from the back room where their extra supplies were kept. Sean was a kind guy at heart who tended to assume things or took things out of context. He was tall and lean with wavy brown hair, bits of gray tainting it, and shit brown eyes that blended with his hair. A short beard adorned his face, but Levi would just call it scruff that Sean liked to think made him look sexier. 

“It wasn’t a date, asshole,” Levi answered. The raven let himself fall into his leather chair and his eyes fall shut as he relaxed into the cushion. 

“Wouldn’t it be weird if it was though? Talk about incest,” Hanji commented which earned her a harsh glare from Levi who had opened his eyes just to do so before leaning his head back again to avoid her.

“How is your sister anyway?” Petra asked, followed by Sean.

“Here we go again…” The strawberry blonde coughed lightly and covered her face with her hands in embarrassment. It was a well known fact between Levi and Hanji that Petra had a thing for the man in back, but it was strange how he couldn’t pick up on any clues. Hanji was waiting for the day the two would get together whilst Levi wasn’t sure it would happen at all, and he couldn’t really care less if it did or not.

He shrugged and answered, “The same as always, but now she’s dating that guy she brought around the one time.”

“The kid who looked like a donkey?” Hanji asked. 

“It was more like a horse,” Sean called. 

“Yeah.” Levi nodded and the room fell silent aside from the sounds being emitted from the machine in Hanji’s hand.

Not caring to just sit around, Levi grabbed a piece of blank paper and one of the many pencils at his desk and began to draw features of a body he couldn’t quite identify. But there were sea foam green eyes and a mop of chocolate brown hair covered in white flakes. He saw a forest green coat caked with dirt and tattered jeans over Nike shoes that were probably once white. The gloves he bought with the money Levi gave him... 

When had it turned into him? Levi suddenly recognized it completely, and set the notebook down almost with reverie before the image jumped right out to torture him some more. _What the fuck!..._

Hanji’s machine stopped its repetitive buzzing and Levi was pulled away from the drawing on his desk when he saw a pair of hands extended from to a pair of three quarter sleeves appear on the edge of the desk. The brown hair she-beast smiled down at Levi wickedly before flicking her orbs to the drawing between them.

“It's nothing,” Levi instantly said because he knew what the woman was thinking. 

Her grin only grew. How did he know that she wasn’t even listening to him?

He shook his head and then gave a sigh. “Are there any homeless shelters around here?” 

“Oh??” She giggled, squirming hideously in his face a little too close.

“No,” Petra answered since she knew Hanji was going to continue teasing Levi until he gave in. “Most of them, if not all, have been closed in the city,” she added with a sigh to herself.

Levi nodded in response, grabbed the drawing he had half finished, and shoved it into his backpack without another thought. 

The silence was thick over them and Hanji had gone back to her chair pouting when she realized Levi wasn’t going to budge or give out any information on the drawing. In that moment, the drawing was something far away from Levi’s mind. 

 _He_ was growing hungry and Levi couldn’t leave him unfed or a mess was bound to erupt. Bad things had already begun to happen. Levi drug his fingernails down his clothed arms while the muscles in his body contracted and began slightly aching. The shaking that had rolled in wasn’t helping the pain at all in his constant movement. All within a short minute.

It wasn’t long before he was up and out of the room with his backpack in one hand. 

With a quick glance to his phone’s clock, he saw it had only been five hours since the last time _he’d_ fed, and the high was gone without him even noticing until just then. He should have known. After being addicted for as long he was, one would think he would have mastered a schedule to keep himself from experiencing the symptoms he always feared. Every five hours now, and he’d be a whimpering mess in no time soon. How pathetic. But sometimes he could nod off and forget that time was even a relevant thing. 

He shut the employee bathroom door and locked it before tossing his backpack onto the counter. Dull nails dug down his arms once again before he finally pulled himself up to grab the already filled syringe from a hidden pocket he sewed into his backpack. It was just in case something like this occurred and to his dismay, it occurred everyday around the same time. 

With the needle in his shaky hands and a rubber elastic band wrapped around his bicep, Levi stared at the person in the mirror. Pathetic and weak. Levi had a deep hatred for those hollowed eyes glaring right back at him, and it wasn’t until moments like those, where the needle placed inches away from his skin engulfed his mind in hatred that surfaced like an inevitable, slow moving iceberg. It was always there, he could feel it cold and numbing inside him, but he always confronted it just before he injected himself that beautiful yet terrifying source. The source of his life, in one hellish nightmare all wrapped in his ghost-like grip, holding on for dear life even if that wasn’t with much strength in the end.

 

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. It hits and the shocks that fill his nerves with so much familiarity rush up his arm and then implode in his whole being. He waited for the euphoria to wear off before he left the bathroom like nothing had happened. Once again, he felt content. ~~_Nothing happened._ ~~

 

**∮**

 

_Reasons to do heroin:_

  1. _The past that continues to haunt me no matter what I do, no matter where I go. It's a constant burden that makes me want to peel my skin off the bones_


  1. _The high it gives, the forty-five seconds of euphoria, the two hours of the most intense part of the high. The whole five hours of it all. That high. If only it lasted longer..._


  1. _The stress of just_ **living** _._


  1. _It's illegal and I’m sure that’s a good reason to not do drugs but it's also a thrilling reason to do them. Makes you feel like you’re part of a secret society, the one where everyone is slowly killing themselves, because only you and your dealer know that you’re buying and doing drugs, unless you have drug buddies._


  1. _It takes away my ability to feel human emotions, or at least it feels like it does._


  1. _It makes everything slightly bearable._


  1. _The live wire in my arms, the way it explodes over my whole body. Fuck. Out of the twenty-four years I’ve been alive, nothing as ever topped that feeling._


  1. _The evil passenger will kill me if I don’t._



 


	3. Follow You Into The Dark

_Everything inside of me…_

 -

Finding the kid a homeless shelter was out of the question since nearly all of them had closed down over the years, and Levi wasn’t sure what to do. He was dipping into his stash every single time he took the same route home for the last two weeks.

The thoughts that grated on Levi’s mind were almost as bothersome as the evil passenger’s constant whining and complaining. Why was the kid even on the streets to begin with? To Levi, he looked like he was young enough to still be living at home with his parents. Did he not have parents? Was that the case? Whatever the kid’s reason for being on the street, it sure as hell wasn’t any of Levi’s business. He gave a shit, though, and that was the problem. He gave too much of a shit anymore.

He didn’t seem dangerous- helpless would be a better word to describe him, and Levi was fine with that. It was new and something Levi had never dealt with before. The two hadn’t even had a proper conversation but Levi already found him tantalizing.

It was a good distraction for the day.

A part deep within Levi felt good for his chivalrous act, but then he was cruelly reminded once again that he was not a good person, no part of him was good.

Monster’s more like it.

A weak pathetic, monster with tainted blood looking for an escape, even if it was only temporary. An escape was an escape. But alas, everything good must come to an end, by choice or not.

Instead of going home like he had initially planned in his mind, Levi made a quick and sharp turn down that one alley that resembled a yellow brick road to him but a drug dealer wasn’t standing at the end of this one. The warehouse came upon him. Normally, it welcomed him like the Emerald City but this day it was just a piece of shit that made Levi some extra cash so he could feed his addiction.

From the small windows high up above the balcony Levi could see lights escaping the glass within the warehouse. He had almost forgotten fights were going to be held that night. Inside, several people stood about the place getting things ready for the night. Tilting his head up, Levi could see large spotlights had been installed and didn’t know why or how they got there or where they came from or even who paid for them. There was no room for complaining though, the lights would make the fights more accessible and entertaining.

Erwin stood on the second level inside, leaning on the balcony with a pleased look displayed across his face. Other familiar faces from Ymir: a freckled brunette, and Christa: a small blond, were setting up the bidding table at the back of the room. Others made sure the rope was secured around the concrete pillars which were keeping the roof from collapsing in on itself.

“Levi!” the taller blond called and waved his hand a bit upon noticing the shorter male had walked into the room. Erwin looked like a king up there, his chilling blue eyes looking down on everyone else whilst they worked. He could pass as a prince with his broad shoulders and cool smile. The man was definitely not Levi’s type but he wouldn't deny that he was good looking.

“‘Sup,” Levi scowled back and gave his own small flick of the wrist, which was just as much as a wave to him. He began to walk up the stairs so he could go to his office just so he could split again.

“Back again?” Erwin asked as the raven walked past him.

“Forgot to pay the trash bill.” Lies. Fucking lies and Levi damn well knew it. But, there was a small bit of truth. This time, Levi was actually going to pay his bills unlike last time. He didn’t forget to pay anything, he just didn’t because feeding his addiction and the urges along with it were more important at the time. Bad, painful things would happen if he didn’t.

Erwin nodded and said something that sounded like small talk, but Levi had tuned him out by the time he was crouched in front of the desk. His hand reached far back under the black object where several large bags were taped. Each one held money but the money was placed into the back according to where it came from: the betting table or the entrance and participation fee table.

He took a good handful of the wadded cash and left the office but before he managed to make it to the stop of the stairs, he found himself going to stand next to Erwin to observe the warehouse. It was shit, there was no doubt about it. Some of the concrete walls had chipped away over the years and there were some water stains on the upper walls. Levi would call it a shitty sanctuary tainted in his sins. It was the only place he did his drugs deals at; he felt comfortable, but it was risky since Erwin and some others were popping in and out.

“Did you pick any winners?” Erwin’s deep voice broke the silence.

Levi scoffed and clicked his tongue in a “bitch please” sort of manner. “Who do you think I am?” Levi asked in return to which Erwin let out a deep, breathy chuckle.

“Don’t even know why I asked.”

 _Escape. Escape. Escape_.

The shorter man nodded and made up some excuse to leave without having to engage in any other conversation that would be later forgotten.

He left moments after and headed down the alleyway again. It was still light outside but hard to tell due to the dark, heavy clouds hanging above the city. They spit out snow every now and again but it wasn’t in large quantities like the weeks it had before. Snow was still packed on the streets and the sidewalks were caked in ice.

Something Levi found entertaining as he would walk down the city streets were the tourists who weren’t familiar with the type of shit weather that made them slip on the ice and fall flat on their asses. It almost made Levi laugh.

A laugh, how long had it been since he last laughed? Ten years? Twelve? He wondered how that noise would sound if it ever left his lips again. He was sure that it be on the lower part of the sound scale since his voice was deeper than it was back when he did laugh. He could only imagine what his face would look like if he were to laugh. Did he even have dimples? He didn’t know because he never even smiled.

Thoughts like that weren’t allowed and so he never thought them. If he did, punishment was enforced.

Levi was pulled from his thoughts once he found himself on the street that lead him to his apartment complex. Cars honked and flew past him while people did their best to avoid him as they walked by him, but they didn’t always succeed. When his shoulders brushed with another person’s, his anxiety spiked and his nerves shot at just the smallest realization of his tangibility. People actually saw this pitiful state of him, he remembered.

A small, oddly familiar cough kept Levi from nodding off any further. When he turned his head to the side he saw the figure of the boy curled up by the dumpster. Fuck. He had gotten so lost in thought that he almost walked past the kid.

Acting as smoothly as his unbalanced feet could while carrying him, Levi sauntered over to the boy and dug into his bag to get the money but stopped himself. He had told himself he wasn’t going to give the kid cash anymore but a part of him couldn’t just walk away like everyone else. However, another set of evil fingers tried to pull him away from the boy.

Step back, Levi. You don’t get to disobey me. Turn around. Walk away.

Levi inhaled slowly before speaking. “What’s your name, brat?” His words were laced in annoyance and his face monotone. Over the years he managed to train himself how to keep a stone hard demeanor and uninterested tone that just became the truth after a while. It kept people away- well, most people.

The sudden question seemed to catch the boy off guard and from where Levi stood, it almost seemed like the kid forgot his own name. The look in his eyes was cold, but he seemed anything but closed off. Levi remembered a time when he would do anything for someone’s company too, and while this brat still held up his guard of distrust, it wasn’t very strong. He wasn’t in complete tatters, he didn’t have any visible scars, no hypothermia too deep to change his all around complexion just yet this evening. He wasn’t an experienced loner, Levi deduced.

The several seconds of silence between the two that followed made Levi sigh so heavily it actual annoyed himself, but just as he readied himself to speak again, the faint sound he only heard a handful of times came to his ears.

“Eren,” the boy mumbled, his voice just as raspy as the first time. He looked at Levi with that same hopeful glint. His teeth chattered and his body visibly shook even with the knew pieces of clothing he had bought with Levi’s money- a thick cotton scarf to match the gloomy, gray sky.

“Eren…” Levi tested out the name. “Would it be strange to you if I offered a temporary place to stay, Eren?” Levi asked, putting as much emphasis on the world “temporary” as he could. He didn’t want the kid to think Levi was some foster parent or anything, that might be risky enough as the situation was. And the evil passenger despised any sort of risk to its ‘home’. Levi could feel its vexation running through his veins like they weren’t his own.

Slowly, Eren shook his head and kept his eyes glued to the man before him. Strange wouldn’t be the word Eren would use- maybe dangerous. He looked up, taking in the man before him as he had every time he’d seen him. The man looked as unsure as ever. That wasn’t where Eren was feeling the apprehension in his bones though.

“It’s your choice, kid. Take it or leave it.” Take what? What am I really offering here? It was hardly worth the effort to ask the question of someone under such an influence that their mind couldn’t produce an answer that would make enough sense to him. Hopeless is what Levi would call it. He wanted to do something on a whim again. Danger called to him after all, didn’t it?

Nothing more left Eren’s mouth as he seemed to wander into his thoughts of the sudden statement that came from the stranger. He didn’t want to be a burden like he was to his dad, and he wasn’t even completely sure if he trusted the man before him. Risks were meant to be taken, and yet, he really didn’t have much to lose on the gamble unfortunately.

The brunet heaved slowly and with shaky legs, pulled himself up to his feet with the support of the dark green dumpster next to him. It wasn’t from the lack of walking that made him shaky, but the cold and malnutrition that took its toll during the time he had been on the streets.

With semi-quick steps, Levi turned on his heels and began to walk towards his apartment with the brunet in tow.

The boy wondered what his mother would be thinking if she were still around. She would be disappointed in him for taking the stranger’s offer so quickly, but she was a reasonable woman, seeing it would be vital for her to son to get off the streets before anything else happened to him. She’d understand that it was necessary for him to take the offer because it was possible that no one else would be kind enough to do so.

Levi sighed and took his shaky hand to dig into the pocket of his leather jacket and retrieve his set of keys: one to his car, his house, warehouse, and another for a storage unit that held some extra belongings. Behind him, the boy tilted his head and looked up at the apartment complex. It was made out of white and gray steel, concrete and things of the like for a more modern styled. He’d lived here for a while and found that it suited him.

The boy followed the older up the a set of stairs before he suddenly stopped in front of a bland looking door. A few clicks sounded, followed by a creak.

The door opened and inside was a large room immediately revealing a centered couch with a soft chair to the far right against the wall. Up against the wall facing the couch sat a good sized television on a black stand. To Eren’s right was a circular dining table between them and the kitchen. Straight in front of him was a hallway: one door on the left and another on the right. Bathroom and bedroom maybe? Linen closet?

Gray paint covered the walls, white carpet was spread out in the living area and down the hallway while dark wood flooring was laid out in the kitchen. Black curtains covered the windows and let almost no light inside. Taking a deep breathe, Eren knew the man was a smoker from the strong scent of cigarettes down his throat so he could almost taste it.

“Let's get you a quick shower,” Levi said whilst slipping off his jacket and hung it on the tree coat standing by the door. Giving the gangly teen a quick glance over, he turned on a heel and proceeded down the hall, “Something to eat, too,” he added glumly.

Nervous, Eren followed after he scrambled to take off his own coat and shoes without any prompting to. The man opened the door on the right side of the hallway to reveal a decent sized bathroom. Up on the right wall was a vanity, and toilet. Straight across was a tall tub shower beneath the only window in the room. The flooring was black tile and the walls were still gray like the rest of the place.

Levi turned the water on and messed with it until he deemed it warm enough. Steam began to fill the room and fog up the mirror hanging on the wall above the sink. Eren stood still and quiet. The man was still in there so it would be weird to undress or anything. He didn’t even bother looking in the mirror, not wanting to see the reflection there with any morsel of his body.

“I’ll find you some clothes and leave them out for you,” he saw the man gesture to the counter before he watched him leave.

Once the door shut, Eren instantly stripped from his dirty and ripped clothes. The warmth of the water running down his body was a haven he had nearly forgotten about. He looked down and watched as the water turned from clear to a rusty brown from the dirty coming off his body. His green orbs traveled the small space until they landed on three black bottles: body wash, shampoo, and conditioner. His hand grabbed the shampoo first and when he opened it, he lightly sniffed the contents inside. It smelled nice and cottony, mostly fresh.

He tipped the bottled upside down, using one hand to catch the falling gel when it came out and started to diligently scrub it into his hair. His hands ran through his hair to get some of the tangles and knots out but sadly, he didn’t succeed. They were the type of tangles you had to probably cut out. Once the shampoo was rinsed from his hair, he repeated the same process with the conditioner and body wash just for safe measure.

When he stepped out of the shower after turning the water off, a towel and some clothes were laying on the counter in neat stacks. A hint of a smile pulled at his lips as he dried himself off with the plush towel and even brighter eyes played across his features once he spotted the clothes. It took no time at all to become one with the heavenly soft fabric. The shirt was meant to be long sleeved but it only came to three quarters and clung to him lightly- barely even there.

The man was in the kitchen, Eren could see the lights coming from there so he took the liberty to peak open the door across the hall. Inside was nothing special: a large bed made for two and an end table on either side of it. At the end of the bed was a dresser and a wooden door that most likely led to a closet. The same black curtains covered the windows so no natural light was let in.

“Eren? You done?” he heard the man call from the kitchen, so he closed the door silently and made his way to the kitchen.

“Yeah, thanks,” Eren said and eyed the man’s back. He was short, skinny too. Without turning to look at the boy, he spoke.

“That’s for you,” he watched the raven point to the food filled plate on the table in front of Eren.

He looked at it for a moment before spilling the first thing that came to mind. “A-all of it?”

“Tch.. yes brat.”

“My name is Eren,” he blurted back.

“I know that.”

“So why’d you call me brat?”

“Because you’re a brat. Now stop asking questions or else I’ll shove those noodles down your throat.” Harsh and rude, just like he had intended. A warning for the kid to not get too comfortable in Levi’s hellish domain.

“Okay okay.” Eren stuck his arms up in defeat and sat in the chair. He left some of the warm steam fill his nose and his mouth began to water at the amazing scents filling his nostrils. With the pasta already on the silver fork, he shoved it into his mouth and nearly moaned at the many savory tastes filling his mouth with joy. Already, he was coming back to his old self, feeling strangely at home here with this stranger not hounding him with lectures or questions. It was just nice.

“This is so good,” he said after chewing and swallowing the first bite.

“Don’t get used to it,” Levi answered with no thought at all. The evil passenger was knocking at his head, telling Levi what to do and how to do it.

“Yeah, no need to remind me,” Eren said around a mouthful, trying not to take the promise from earlier to heart. The man seemed set on making sure of it, so he didn’t push for anything more. He wasn’t exactly excited to be tossed back out on the street again so soon, so he followed orders.

Levi felt satisfied with Eren’s answer and sighed heavily as he pulled a large blanket from the closet in the hallway. He also got a pillow and carried both objects over the couch. Levi placed the pillow one end of the couch and spread the blanket over the entire piece of furniture.

“What’s your name?” Eren asked, cringing at the whiny sound his voice took, even after the warning. Well, who could help it? It wasn’t fair. “You know mine but I don’t know yours,” he explained.

The mans movements froze for a split second before he sighed and turned toward the boy. “Levi,” he voice scratched roughly in the brunets ears once more, but he was glad for having an answer, not thinking he might get one at this point.

“Do you have job?” Levi asked Eren, not planning on assuming anything. He’d worked with people before that did their job well, but still couldn’t afford a place. Hell, even Hanji had recently admitted to staying with friends for weeks at a time before her second job finally reeled her in some promising foundation for savings.

“No…” Still, Eren said it like it was obvious. Granted he did look pretty young...

The raven nodded shortly. “I’ll see if I can pull some strings then.” A stunned silence came from Eren. He was working so hard for him. What did this man want from Eren? He hadn’t thought in that regard before...

...

A familiar craving erupted inside of Levi moment’s after he finished his shower. He cursed under his breath and let out a shaky sigh. His fingernails were already digging at the skin of his arms and he felt the smallest ache within his muscles and bones- a chill where calm should have replaced where the steaming water had hit him. Shit. Shit. Shit. He was hoping to put his addiction off until the brat was asleep, but the evil passenger didn’t wait for anybody or anything. He ate at Levi whenever he wanted. He cared about no one but himself. That’s how the evil passenger was, and Levi was well on the road to becoming like that too.

Levi walked back to the bathroom after telling the brat that's where he’d be so he could hopefully be left alone. He locked the door and sank down in front of it. He hated himself, god he hated himself more than someone should be able to see deep down, and he hated what he saw. That boy didn’t deserve to be around him. He deserved someone to give him better, Levi knew that much at least. But he couldn’t help knowing...

He shook his head violently of any other thoughts. Following the same routine as always, he grabbed an already full sryine and stuck it into the vein by is inner elbow, where all his other track marks were. He followed the steps he had learned many years ago before he injected the substance into his skin. The needled was put back under the sink in a box meant for needles he had already used.

He felt good, he felt okay. He was new each time. He felt nothing. No bad memories, no good ones either. There was just now and this moment. And in the other room there was...

His eyes were glued to the cabinet and then he looked down at his arms. All the wounds he had inflicted on himself had healed. It was time for a new high. On his hands and knees, Levi crawled over the cabinet and reached further into it to grab the box of razors. His fingers grabbed one and ran over the the cool, familiar metal he hadn’t touched in nearly a month. They had almost slipped from his mind completely.

With his back against the door again, Levi held the small object over his wrist. Several deeps breaths circulated through his body before he made the first slice on his pale skin. His teeth dug into the skin of his cheeks to the point where he could taste iron in his mouth; he had to prevent himself from making any sounds that could catch the brat’s attention. Another cut on the same skin and he watched as the blood flowed down his arm. Normally he would use up more room, but he didn’t feel like he did one place any such justice by ignoring it, and he defiled just his wrist. Much more satisfying.

One more before he switched to his other wrist to cut more evenly. It was enough, for now. He just needed that distraction, that specific kind of attention to drown out any other thoughts that twisted his stomach raw.

Levi wrapped his arms up with the bandages he had tucked away in the cabinet and then pulled down the sleeves of his black shirt. He stood and looked at himself in the mirror. A pathetic excuse for a human. A weak human who deserved the pain hidden deep inside but still, he tried to avoid it. He used that sweet drug running under his skin and through his veins as an escape. It was the only way, it was the only way to escape from his hellish dreams. Without it, he would probably have been found dead somewhere by now, having been killed by the most lifelike of dreams there ever were. Not that the thought of death wasn’t a recurring thought in this existence. It was liveable now.

Dull eyes met a gray glare, even his own reflection made himself sick. He shook his head and looked away from himself, gazing back at the door for a fleeting breach in his lifelessness.

You don’t know this...


	4. Where We Start

_Just wanted to fit in…_

-

Black. Nothing. But black filled his vision as Levi gazed at the ceiling above him in his pitch dark room. He’d lost track of how long he’d been up or if he had even slept that night. He turned to look at the clock on his phone, seeing that it was almost six in the morning and he had been up since one staring into the black swirls of his room. Thankfully, he had the day off so he didn’t have to get up, but there was no way he’d be able to stay in his bed any longer. He could feel the slightest itch coming from deep within, coming from the evil passenger.

Breakfast time rolled around too quickly. In seconds, he was up from his bed, moving across the hall almost as if his life depended on it. It was same thing this morning as it was every morning; the procedure of feeding the evil passenger and then the procedure of caring for the wounds on his wrists. With a fresh high coursing through his veins and bandages wrapped over the cuts around his pale skin, he was ready to officially start the day.

Back in his room, he slipped on a clean pair of black jeans and a long sleeve shirt; Long sleeves were key and had been for as long as he could remember. Feeling much colder than normal, Levi also found a beanie sitting on the dresser where he also found a box containing piercings. He sighed and put the hat on his head, adjusting it so the ends rested just above his ears.

Easy would not be the word used to describe Levi putting in the piercings. His shaky hands weren’t even close to being steady enough but he wasn’t going to give up. He got use to the shakiness after he slipped in the the first three piercings: two lip ones to create the spider bite affect on the corner of his mouth and an eyebrow piercing on his left eyebrow. After, he managed to slip on the extra few: four on his left ear and three on his right, he wiggled his brow and flicked his lip with his tongue while touching his ears. It had been several months since he last wore any sort of jewelry. Levi also knew he probably looked insane with his actions but he was just trying to remember what it felt like to always have the piercings in. He liked them.

To his surprise, the brat was already up when Levi entered the living room. The blanket had been folded and set on the back of the couch while the pillow was still propped up on the arm of the piece of furniture. Eren was crossed legged on the couch with one of Levi’s books in hand and a serious look spread across his face as the lamp lit up his face in the dim room. From where Levi stood, he could see the brat’s lip caught between his front teeth and Levi couldn’t help but stare.

Eren must’ve noticed Levi’s obvious staring because he turned to gaze at Levi with a smile easily adorning his features. “Morning,” he chirped.  
  
“How long have you been up?” Levi ignored Eren’s polite greeting with his own question. He was expecting the kid to be asleep until at least noon but there he was, up bright and early at six in the morning. Even the sun was still asleep and wouldn’t catch a glimpse of mountain until six-thirty.

“Oh, not too long,” he answered and shut the book. “I would have made you breakfast but I didn’t know what you liked…”

“I don’t eat meat,” Levi said and ventured into the spotless kitchen which was just as boring as the rest of the house.

“So are you vegan or vegetarian?” Eren tilted his head to the side, his eyes following Levi until they could no longer see his figure as it had gone behind the wall of the kitchen.

“Vegetarian.”

“Are you doing it to diet? If so, I don’t think you need a diet.” No no, if anything the raven needed to eat more instead of cut things out, but Eren wouldn’t say that out loud.

“No, why?” Levi asked as he looked in the fridge and then closed it. It was rare for him to eat in the mornings. He just didn’t have the appetite to do so.

“Well, I just know that some people who are vegetarian do it because of a diet, whereas veganism is a lifestyle,” Eren replied and instantly began to feel like an idiot. He should have just kept his thoughts to himself, if he had, he wouldn’t be in the position of looking like an ass while he explained something the man most likely already knew. Being a vegetarian is a lifestyle too, he knew that, but he just knew that using it as a diet was much more popular. Then again he wasn’t even sure if he was right the more he thought it.

“It can be both,” the older man stated simply and shut the fridge, nothing in his hand as he walked back to the living room so he didn’t feel like he was shouting for the brat to hear him, though, he was well aware the brat could hear him just fine from the kitchen.

~~_You can’t get any closer, Levi._ ~~

_Go away._

~~_Now now, why would I do that? I couldn’t even if I wanted to; I’m chained down to you. I’m in your blood. There’s no escaping me, Levi. I’ll always be here for you._ ~~

Eren said no more and gave a single, light nod as the answer as the room fell into an uncomfortable silence that almost scared Levi in a way. Falling into the deep, endless pool that were his thoughts was something he always tried his best to avoid- failing eighty percent of the time. He thought about things, remembered things that the drug couldn’t always hide no matter how much he drowned in it.

He drowned in the memories of his past with each day that went by as well.

The tension seemed to crush Levi the longer the two males continued to wade in static. It began to suffocate him and an awkward atmosphere began to spread over them like morning fog. He paid no mind to it, but he wondered what was taking place in that moment behind those turquoise eyes.

“Do you own anything?” Levi asked. “Aside from the clothes that you bought with my money...” He said as an afterthought not meant for other ears.

Eren gulped and looked down suddenly, “Yeah, but all my things are back at my… _dad’s_ house.” Eren internally cringed.

Eren was certain that if his mother was still alive, he wouldn’t be in this mess at all and he wouldn’t have to rely on the strange, mysterious man standing in front of him. He cursed his father for unspeakable damage, and looked up to Levi, wondering what he could be thinking, and why it seemed easier to think of those kinds of things now.

“You think it would be possible for us to get you some shit?” The younger male gave a small, barely noticeable nod. “Get you ass up then,” Levi decided, “we have other places to be afterwards anyway.”

Slightly shocked by the forcefulness in Levi’s voice, the boy hastily got up and fumbled around the dark room that was being tainted by the pitiful amount of morning sun that somehow managed to escape from the sides and top of the heavy curtains. Moments later, the whole room was illuminated by artificial light coming from a lamp with a white shade standing behind the sofa.

Being able to see what he was doing made things easier, but his shaky hands held him back from slipping on and tying his shoes at a faster pace. He managed and got to his feet, pulling on the green coat he had bought using the Levi’s money. Fake white fur tickled the outside edges of his face once he had pulled the hood over the chocolate mop of locks on his head; a side snort leaving his nose earned him an odd glance from the man next to him who had dressed himself in a large wooly black coat that stopped just above his knees.

Black seemed to be Levi’s signature color, Eren noticed. His alabaster skin seemed washed out with the darkness of it, but Eren admired how good looking the older man was. It was then that he also noticed Levi had piercings. And his face-- how mythic he almost seemed-- seemed to hold Eren in a trance that he couldn’t break out of. . .

Lights were turned off and the front door was locked before the two descended the stairs in front of the apartment and began their trek. Eren had inquired about Levi’s car, a black used sports car that had seen better days, and Levi simply replied with “exercise is good for you, brat” and left it at that. He didn’t bother to tell the kid that he was slightly high from merely minutes before. He didn’t explain that icy roads and drugs wouldn’t mix well when adding a five ton death trap into the equation. He didn’t care to tell the boy that something _more_ than human held him in its tight grasp.

Today was one of those rare sunny days that didn’t come around often during winter time. Even with bright sun rays shining down on them, the air was still as cold as ice and the snow showed little to no signs of melting. It wasn’t warm enough to walk around without a decent coat but people wanted to enjoy the rays as much as possible, or Levi assumed so since the sidewalks were slightly more crowded than normal.

 _Great. Just great,_ he sighed heavily and said to Eren, “It's your house, so you need to lead the way.”

Eren’s brows shot upward and he flicked his bright eyes over to the man walking by his side. “I know that, _Levi_ ,” Eren said, a puff of air escaping his lips once he was done speaking.

Cool air ran its chilling fingers along Eren’s cheeks and continued on until it reached the back of his neck where the warmth of the hood of his coat crushed the cold with its hold. Shivering slightly, he used his gloved hands to zip up his coat until it was under his chin and he buried his nose into the inner fabric of the coat. Wondering if his hair had frozen, he took a glove off and touched the end of some clumps of hair, discovering that it wasn’t yet frozen. _Yet,_ he thought.

The younger had lived in the city for as long as he could recall but he had never walked down the side of the city Levi lived in. From the mass amount of skyscrapers that loomed over in an ominous way and the large groups of people that walked the streets, it was clear that he lived near downtown. Eren grew up in a northern suburb of the city, one that had its own school and small cafes as well as stores. Larger grocery stores were further into the city and were a good fifteen to twenty minutes from his secluded area of the city. He liked the inner city much more than where he grew up; the multitudes of people and tall buildings were something that would never bore him.

“You know, my place is kinda far. We should have taken your car, it's too cold to walk,” Eren muttered in complaint, his hand now covered by the white glove again, his cold face still stuffed into the coat. “We should get your car before we’re too far.”

With a sigh of defeat and irritation, Levi stopped in his tracks and tried to come up with a good enough excuse to walk. He thought about just telling the brat to stop complaining but the kid seemed stubborn.

“Fine, but you can drive.” Now, Levi wasn’t one to just let people drive his car, but the brat sure as hell wasn’t wrong up till this point. “You’re old enough to drive, right? You have a license?”  

“I’m eighteen; of course I have one,” he said and narrowed his large eyes at Levi.

“You never know, I know people who didn’t get theirs until they were nearly twenty or even older.” He was referring to Hanji; the crazy woman failed the first several times she took it because of how reckless she was on the road.

Turning on their heels, the two quickly made their way back to the apartment parking lot. Levi tossed Eren his keys and waited for the brat to unlock the car doors before they simultaneously climbed into the front seats of the vehicle. The stuffy, packed air on the inside almost seemed colder than the outside air.

Anxiety bubbled in the deepest pit of Levi’s stomach as he observed Eren’s hand stick the key in the ignition and turn it. No one had driven his car besides himself, and it was even rare for him to drive it. And only ever did when he was traveling long distances- which he never did.

“Don’t you dare crash my car, brat,” Levi warned and kept his gaze outside the frost window while the two waited for the car to warm up.

“I promise,” Eren responded kindly, in a voice much too forgiving of the man that didn’t bother to face him as he grumbled.

But there it was anyway, as untimely and obnoxious as either might have felt: their first promise. As simple as it was, Eren liked being able to promise something he knew he could keep for once...

* * *

 

Quaint, small, predictable. Several words to describe Eren’s childhood home. A light cream colored sided house with brown trim as well as the roof sat nestled between likewise ordinary double story homes on either side. The door was the same brown with a small glass window coverings with their white trim. Dead flowers lined a snow covered gravel walkway that connected to the driveway, a pickup truck that seemed newer than it’s abode sat in the driveway.

A groan of disappointment left Eren’s throat as he tilted his back and crossed his arms. “He’s fucking home…” he mumbled in a way that reminded Levi of an angry child that didn’t get what they wanted.

“A bad thing, I presume?”  
  
“Very bad.” Eren nodded and flicked his emerald green eyes to Levi. “Come in with me please?”

Levi was going to decline but saw the pleading look of desperation in Eren’s eyes. Caving, he nodded and gave a swift eye roll. Eren lit up and was out of the car in seconds, waiting for Levi before he started making his way up the snow and gravel mixed path, the snow crunching under their feet with each forward step they took.

Eren knocked- _knocked?_ \- on the front door of the house he use to reside in and awaited an answer. Footsteps shuffled behind the door and covered window, but soon unlocked. He didn’t dare look up because he knew he’d see his father's face once he did.

“Eren,” HIs ears were met with the scratchy, worn down voice of his father.

“Grisha.”  
  
“Running back already?”  
  
“Tch, please.” It wasn’t Eren who answer. Instead, Levi was carefully observing the man, his eyes taking in his brown hair tied back in a ponytail and his green eyes that dangerously matched the color of Eren’s, but behind his were a kind of cruelty Levi knew so well. “Move. We’re here to get his things.” He was glaring at the man and watched as he stepped out of the way for the two boys while returning the scrutiny. Thankfully, Eren could tell that there were just a few too many guards up at this point for any actual disagreements to break out. And he was okay with that. They were sizing each other up, and Grisha was at his wit's end of what to think about Levi. That’s what Eren had been hoping for. He didn’t necessarily care to use Levi in any such matter, but it was better to bring someone who at least reminded him of his father’s own cunning. That- he always knew- he’d been sorely lacking in since day one.

 _Thank you, Levi._ He revered as an afterthought.

Levi observed the cozy family home as Eren led him up the stairs. Plants were littered across the house and pictures helped make the walls less bleak and plain. He hadn’t got much of a look into the living room, his eyes only seeing a brown leather couch and a white armchair that had seen its days... Beneath their feet was a light wooden flooring that occasionally creaked beneath his feet.

The upper halls on the second floor were also aligned with photos, but Levi was able to observe them as they walked past. One was of Grisha, a little boy who Levi recognized the same unruly hair from, and a lovely looking woman with golden eyes. Her hair was a darker shade of brown that contrasted her more creamy skin than either of the two tanned males appeared with. Another photo had the woman and Grisha, both smiling happily. In the next one, Eren was with kids who looked around his age at the time the photo was take- eight to ten maybe. A boy with ash brown hair, one with a shaved head, and another blond were all smiling with their arms around each other. Friends, maybe.

“Let's hurry this up,” Levi said when he noticed Eren had ventured into a room that previously had the door shut. He follow him inside.

“Okay okay.” Eren waved his hand and found a red duffel bag that had been hidden under his twin sized bed covered with a superhero bedspread.

“Spiderman? Really?”  
  
“Yes, really. Is that a problem, old man?”  
  
Clicking his tongue, Levi rolled his eyes and looked around the small room. Next to the bed on the side that wasn’t against the wall was a gray end table holding a simple lamp and some scattered pencils. Posters of bands and video games took up almost eighty percent of the walls and he noticed more were rolled up on a cream colored dresser that was near two closet doors across from the bed. A desk was at the end of the bed, and on top of it was a laptop that soon was placed into the duffel bag now filled with clothes.

Levi wondered why Eren ended up on the streets when he had a nice, cozy place to call home as this. He went to believe it had to do with the man downstairs, the man who was undoubtedly Eren’s father. For whatever reason Eren left, Levi pondered as to why Eren was willingly on the street. He must’ve had friends from the photo he saw on the wall... but then again... people leave and grow apart.

And the woman- that must’ve been his mother. Did she leave? Or did she…

Shaking his head, Levi huffed at himself and rubbed his arms. It wasn’t his business to know where she was or if she was still even walking among the earth. It didn’t matter to him. It shouldn’t matter to him.

But for some reason, it did.

“Ready?” Eren’s words cut through the silence. The duffle bag was slung over his shoulder and in his hand he held his phone and its charger.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”  
  
“Dunno. You seemed pretty lost.”  
  
“I’m not. Let’s go…”

“Can we tie up my dad first, and cut his nuts off?” Eren blurted out suddenly, with the coolest look on his face that Levi didn’t get it at first.

But then the raven snorted. “I don’t think my workplace would appreciate that showing up on my records, kid.”  
  
“Oh boo...” Eren stuck his tongue out and pouted.

“Maybe some other time.” Levi mused, still wondering why the thought of such a promise left him somewhat satisfied. Was it simply from just that one look he got from the man? “When I’m on my deathbed maybe...”  
  
“That should be soon,” Eren joked.

“Oh please, I’m not that old,” Levi grit his teeth.  
  
Eren rolled his eyes and cracked a bright, teeth showing grin that didn’t fit within the situation, but Levi couldn’t bother to care about the awkwardness. Honest, lively, innocent and sweet.

Everything Levi wasn’t.

That took place in just a smile the brat could conjure up so easily.

* * *

A smile of excitement was spread across Eren’s lips as he and Levi left the tattoo shop. Thanks to Levi, Eren was able to not only get all his clothes and personal items from his father’s house, but he was also able to get a temporary job working with Levi. He would take calls and help Levi clean up his station once he was done with clients. The amount of times he thanked Levi just on the short walk to the car was beginning to get on the older man’s nerves, but upon reaching the car the brunet stopped.

His appreciation was beyond words.

“I’m going to drive, we have a stop to make,” Levi told him and stuck his hand out for the keys.

The taller boy dug into his deep coat pockets, fishing out the keys to car and tossed them to Levi’s open and waiting gloved hand. He barely caught the light object, but managed to keep them from falling onto the snowy sidewalk.

He wouldn’t deny that he was slightly anxious when he got into the driver seat of his car. Although he was always shaky, he felt like he should be noticing it more, and yet over time he had grown used to it. Eren, however, was turning a blind eye to it, or just wasn’t that observant. He stared out the window without a care in the word and waited for Levi to start up the car.

A low purr came from the car as it rumbled to life and instantly the heat blasted, for they hadn’t been gone that long. But they still had to wait several more awkward minutes before the engine would heat up.

Familiarity coaxed its way into his body, the familiarity of the evil passenger beginning to grow hungry. Keeping his composure was going to be much more difficult now as a place in his core began begging for the evil passenger to get ahold of itself, even if it was just until they got home.

_Home._

_Home._

_Home._

_Home._

...

Buildings began to move past Eren’s window at a moderate pace. His eyes were open slightly in awe at how the sun created a beautiful glistening that bounced off the glass skyscrapers looming above the city streets. He was happy to be able to see the city from a different point of view; one where he wasn’t cold or hungry or sore from sleeping on the ground.

Eren had been to the city many times before when he was still with his dad but he never had the time or mindset to properly enjoy it the way it should be enjoyed. Slowing down and just admiring the snow covered streets and buildings along with the people and cars to capture his attention. He’d snap a photo on his phone if it weren’t dead in the pocket of his pants (which weren’t actually his but Levi’s since he hadn’t been able to change into his own clothes yet).

The car came to a stop on the side of the busy street in front of a dark alleyway surrounded by shops and a homely little bakery Eren thought he might enjoy visiting in the future. He hadn’t noticed Levi had climbed out of the car until the raven passed in front of the window and he quickly opened his door to get out, but stopped but the man’s sudden voice.

“You don’t need to follow me. I won’t be long.”  
  
Eren frowned, “Where are you going?”

“To a warehouse down the back alley.” For once Levi wasn’t lying about his actions- a rare occasion.

“Why?”  
  
“A friend owns it. Just making sure no one is squatting in it.” LIke melted butter, the lies slipped from his tongue like it was his profession. And it could be; he’d been lying to all the people around him for years that it came natural to him. It was at the point where he didn’t even need to think of a lie before it started seeping from his lips like it were really the truth.

“Shit,” Levi spat and moved to the car to retrieve his bag from the back seat. “I’ll be back. Stay here.”

Not a second passed before Levi had the bag slung over his shoulder and his feet carrying him through the snow toward the unknown building. His eyes were stuck to the footprints left behind in the snow, the thought of following the man pounding into Eren’s thoughts. He shook his head, knowing following Levi wouldn’t turn out well, and shut the door of the car.

_Waiting._

_Waiting._

_Waiting._

_Waiting. Waiting for what?_

...

Levi entered the warehouse, pleased to see the two familiar figures were waiting for him near the fighting ring. Reiner turned and a smirk appeared on his lips while his head tilted to the side as he watched Levi close the distance.

“You’re late,” Reiner said. The taller man lifted his phone and pointed to the clock to show that Levi was indeed late, but only by a minute.

“Am I interfering with your masterbation time?” Levi countered while his brows knitted together and his lips pursed into a thin, straight line showing his annoyance. He needed to get it over with, the illegal exchange just hungered the evil passenger more. Its food was right there in a bag slung across the tall man’s shoulder and it felt like it was being kept from it.

Reiner chuckled and let the bag drop to the concrete floor with a light thump. His insides ached while his eyes followed Reiner’s every movements from when he leaned down to the bag to when he unzipped it and reached inside. The craving hadn't even been that strong before. It shocked him. Scared him.

The raven dug his money from his bag after he took it off his shoulder and wasted no time in handing it to Reiner and quickly swiping the bag from the other man’s hand. He tucked it away in his bag and zipped it up.

He was gone, out the door and walking down the alleyway with the devil’s blood hidden by his side. When he reached the car he climbed inside and started it up again while simultaneously doing his best to ignore the worried looks Eren was shooting his way every now and then.

“Levi? You okay?” Eren asked after some time of his eyes boring into Levi’s head like lasers.

“Yeah. It's just butt fucking cold out there,” he replied dryly and began to drive down the streets again.

“We going home now?” he asked, deciding to brush off Levi’s odd behavior from moments before. He was going to learn to trust the man next to him, he wanted to trust the man because he felt so lost and alone in the world with his mom gone and his father pretty much abandoning him.

It didn’t matter what Levi thought of him right now, he was going to do it right this time. He would be kind to Levi, because he deserved it much more than his own father ever did.

Even if Levi didn’t answer him, he could tell the man just wanted to go home this time.

_Home._

_Home._

_Home._

_Home._

A place Levi never truly knew and a place Eren once thought he knew.

With his teeth holding the inside of his cheek with as great a force that almost made himself think he tasted blood, “Yes,” Levi led them home.


	5. A Far Off Feeling

_ I was never one for pretenders _

-

October came crashing down: a meteor that brought with it shittier weather than what September had brought. Layers upon layers were necessary to stay even remotely warm and it was that time of year for Levi to start driving to work instead of walking. The winter months brought a cold hell with them that he detested.

Luckily, it was a Saturday night  and with the snow showering down the windows he was warm under a black quilt with his nose in a book and a steaming cup of tea on the end table next to the recliner.  _ Cozy  _ was an understatement when describing his home during the cold months and home; absurd because not many family homes have the devil’s blood tucked away under the confines in an unsacred corner of a less private quarter of the home.  _ Secure  _ didn’t work either, nor did  _ safe _ . Maybe, just maybe, his house was secretly like the devil’s lair and only used its “ _ coziness _ ” as a disguise.

Eren was lain across the couch with his phone in hand creating a loud sound that ruined the peace and quiet that sat over the room. The brat seemed to do that often: break quiet moments with his loudness, and normally Levi would be fuming at the constant disturbance. But he’d become accustomed to it oddly enough. It did, however, trigger the evil passenger. Levi wouldn’t let the evil passenger control his emotions forever when he was caught in the act- he simply acted in control...

His thoughts were cut brief.  

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” the child yelled and simultaneously dropped his phone onto the plush carpet in an act of defiance against the mobile game. Since he’d awoken he hadn’t been able to set the device down for even a moment because he’d been trying to beat his high score.

“Look, Eren, I don’t care about  you sitting in here and playing you little game... but for the love of my sanity,” (which wasn’t all that intact anyway,) “you need to stop with your yelling.”

Just as frustrated- if not more than- a pouting Eren crossed his arms as he said, “I’m sorry, but it's just so aggravating!”

“And what is that?” Levi asked half-heartedly, “I don’t get how those moronic games can be that infuriating,” he droned in such a monotone that he wasn’t sure Eren would answer him without an attitude to rival him. But Eren surprised him by looking completely serious. Clearly, Levi wasn’t going be able get back involved in his book anymore, so he closed it gently before placing it on the floor by his chair.

“You can’t say that because you haven’t tried to play it,” Eren argued firmly.

Nothing more than a scoff left thin, chapped lips. Mobile games were a thing that Levi wasn’t attracted to unlike his attraction to books and some games on consoles like the Xbox One or Playstation 4. Phone games were just a waste of time when they were so often played in public now, but he couldn’t help but stick his hand out for the boy’s phone. Internally he could feel the evil passenger shaky it's head at Levi’s actions, a smirk breaking it's ugly face.

“So what am I supposed to do?” he asked Eren, flicking his eyes to the boy who loomed over Levi’s shoulder.

“You press the black tiles...” Eren began.

Levi nodded in mock understanding. Some tutorial that was. He wasn’t an idiot, so he’d figure it out at some point. Besides, it was simply a mobile game.

The game began when Levi’s thumb pressed down on the first black tile that was placed among many white tiles. Automatically, the screen began to move and black tiles began to move downward from the top of the phone screen. Piano sounds started emitting from speakers on the back of the phone, all this coordinated together to make a lovely melody that triggered a distant memory in the darkest, deepest part of Levi's far off conscience.

_ “Mommy! Mommy! I want to see you play the big box!” _

_ “You mean the piano?” _

_ “Yeah! Play it!” _

One of the few good memories he had and he couldn't even remember all if it... Only a few bits here and there emerged from the cloudy waters in his head, but they filled him with a sense of peace as he zoned off and concentrated on the game.

A finishing score of over four hundred displayed itself across the screen when Levi's thumb slipped and pressed a white tile. He didn't have a clue as to if that was a good score or not. To him it seemed decent enough, but could have been better by a large margin.

Eren was flabbergasted as his large ocean eyes peeked at the numbers flashing on the small screen. It was certainly higher than his own score of one hundred fifty-seven. It was much higher actually, and it surprised as well as confused Eren. The older man claimed to never have played the game before and on his first run he demolished the score Eren was trying to beat himself. He even felt slightly irritated, as immature a thought as he knew it was.

“Are... you sure you haven't played this game before?” The brunet snatched the phone from Levi's loose grasp with narrowed eyes and knotted brows. He locked the device and crossed his arms, a different kind of look in his eyes. Speculation is what he seemed to hold in his gaze.

“I haven't.” Levi defended. “I don't see the appeal of these kinds of games.” The raven shrugged as he sized up the brat’s speculation against him.

“Then how'd you get such a good score on your first try? Hmm?” Eren pried further. With his hands on his hips he leaned toward the older man still sitting and invaded the man's space, causing Levi to deeply inhale at the short distance between them.

“Beginner’s luck? Or maybe I'm just a fucking wizard.”

Eren's face lit up at the comment that was obviously a joke. “Like from Harry Potter?” He asked, his expression different than before. Now his eyes sparkled with excitement and curiosity as he awaited Levi's answer.

“...”

“...”

“Exactly like Harry Potter.”

Maybe that was one way the two could bond, Eren imagined, and that’d be all she wrote! Both had read the books and seen the movies. So they agreed with one another that the books were far better than the movies, but they were appreciative of the movies for what they were when setting the forgotten and added detail aside.

They spoke of what they would specialize in if they went to Hogwarts and who would be in what houses. Out of the four houses, Eren and Levi both determined that the raven would be in Slytherin and Eren would be in Gryffindor. In the younger’s opinion, Levi was a good replica of Severus Snape- or at least Eren said as much- and that meant he would be a Potion Master. Eren, however, chose his own specialty based on his favorite type of magic: transfiguration.

Harry Potter was the only other topic that Eren could see extricate some passion in Levi's eyes aside from tattooing and art. It was nice to see something other than exhaustion, irritation, and iciness in the man’s steely eyes. Somewhere inside, Eren felt proud to be able to be the one who changed the look in those dark eyes, even if it was just temporary.

In the middle of a very intense conversation between the two about Voldemort, the boys were rudely interrupted by the sound of the front door being pounded- not knocked but pounded- on. Levi knew there was only one person it could be and to avoid a lecture about not opening the door in a timely manner, he was up and in front of the door, leaving Eren in a confused state.

At the door stood exactly who Levi had thought it to be: Mikasa. She stood in a pair of black skinny jeans and a dark blue tank top with gold-looking necklaces hanging from her neck. From her ears hung two large hoops. Golden cuffs slid down her wrist and jingled as she lowered her “knocking” hand. Black boots with a two inch heel covered her feet and her eyelids were adorned with a dark blue smokey eye while black eyeliner flared out like wings on each side. The only explanation for her get up could be one thing: she was going clubbing.

“Need something?” were the first words to leave Levi's mouth when he laid eyes on his sister's figure. “You look nice by the way,” he added, partially genuine just so she wouldn’t harp on him any more in front of his company.

She let herself into the apartment and shut the door with her foot. “Thank you. You should come out with me tonight.”

“I'm busy.”  _ Lies. _

“Oh my gosh, you're such a fucking liar,” she said in a venomous voice.  _ Shit. Fuck.  _ “You're never busy on the weekends. Come on, even if it's just for a little bit,” she demanded rather than tried coercing him.

Rolling his eyes, Levi gave a firm shake of his head and walked into the living room. Of course, his younger sister followed with clanks following her every step.

“I don't want to.”

“I don't care. You need to.”

“Who was at the door?” A voice that wasn't Levi's or Mikasa’s spoke up from the couch.

Mikasa’s face lit up for she had recognized the ring of a slightly boyish voice. And it appeared that Eren recognized her too as well after seeing her face because in seconds he was gasping an up to squeeze the life out of her, and she returned the favor tenfold after a particularly annoying expletive.

“Eren!” she muffled again into his shoulder.

From the sidelines Levi stood, dumbfounded. He was able to gather from the encounter that the two knew each other, the question was  _ how  _ they knew each other.

“I don't understand this. How do you-?”

“We went to school together.” Eren explained in a rush of breath as he pulled away, still looking at Mikasa. “Mikasa was a year ahead of me though,” She was checking him over, looking down on the brat only because she was wearing heels.

Levi nodded. Eren would be nineteen in March and Mikasa would be twenty in February, leaving Levi as the oldest out of the three.

“It had been some time since we last saw one another… I think since I graduated actually,” Mikasa spoke up and the confused look faltered from Levi's face to reveal his normal monotone look. “You're going to come with me, Levi.”

“Where are you going?” Eren asked.

“Clubbing,” she was dead serious without a hint of shame or secrecy.

“Don't you need to be twenty-one?”

“Twenty-one to drink, eighteen to enter the club,” she informed. “You should come to,” she lit up when she realized the words coming out of her mouth were true. “We’d have so much fun catching up and hanging out!”

Eren looked considerate, but before he could even look over to check with Levi, the raven cut their nonsense off.

“Tch… I never even said I was going with you, Mikasa,” Levi mumbled and subconsciously scratched at his covered arms.

“I said you're coming, so you're coming. Wear something nice.” She wasn't going to back down, he knew that and he wasn't in the mood to get into a big argument with her about how he never went out with her anymore. Or she'd glare at him until he did what she asked. Although her glare was all but scary to Levi, he hated seeing it.

“Eren, ride with Mikasa will you?” he finally said. “I'm going to be a minute and don't want to make you guys wait here for me.”

“Wow, Levi? Being considerate? Must be a cold day in hell,” Mikasa commented.

Eren was sifting through his bag in search of one of his more nicer shirts. All that was found was a black t-shirt that went nicely with the gray skinny jeans he had worn that day. After Eren's coat and shoes were on, the two were out the door with a sheepish wave toward where Levi had yet to start moving away from the door. 

Alone in the house, Levi sighed and stripped his long sleeved shirt he wore when lounging around at home on his days off. He shredded the sweats he had on and sat on the bathroom floor in nothing but his black boxers.

The normal process of injecting himself with the devil's blood went by as a blur because he’d done it so many times it felt reflexive to him. Natural in the same way sex would be in to someone who is addicted to it, or driving for someone who’d been practicing forty years... He didn't need to think about the process or the steps that led up to it, he just needed to be aware of what he was doing and all would go smoothly. The evil passenger would soon take over.

The liquid coursed through his veins and within minutes he was back on his feet like nothing happened, leaving the razor untouched under the sink. Mikasa said to wear something nice but Levi wasn’t for flashy and expensive clothing. He hoped a plain, short-sleeved button down and pair of black skinny jeans with a hole in the left knee would suffice, not that he really cared if she approved or not.

As he was slipping on his shoes and pulling on his leather jacket, the sudden realization hit that it was too cold to walk and that he would have to risk driving with the new high moving through his veins and the shitty weather that showed no signs of stopping made his nerves turn to shit. He heaved his jacket on and left the comfort of his home to enter an icy hell.

It took several minutes for his car to finally feel like it was getting warmer after he turned it on. Once he was backed up and out of the complex parking lot, his shaky hands rested on the steering wheel and be soon began driving down the slick streets.

He would say he felt nervous but the evil passenger was kind enough to take away any possible trace of that feeling. Fear was absent as well. Levi was calm- for now of course, because it never lasted for long.

Several clubs were scattered across the part of the city where Levi resided. He didn't need Mikasa to tell him where she was going to party because he already knew she would be at The Underground.

The Underground was a club slash bar based off the prohibition era when speakeasies were roaring and women were breaking stereotypes. And just as the name may suggest, it was underground.

Brick and stone set the interior with wooden tables and dim lights that gave the area an orange tint. Of course, the dance floor was anything but dark and the type of music played was electronic pop, a type that gave Levi four different types of cancer each time he listened to it.

The raven parked his car around the back of the building and went through the process of getting into the place; he waited in line for an absurd amount of time, showed his ID to the bouncer near the front, and then moved through the swarm of people in search of Mikasa and the others.

Obnoxiously loud music clashed with Levi's ears as he descended the stairs into the club full of young adults that made Levi feel old despite not being that much older than them. He wasn't into the weird shit the people around his age were into- he preferred the arts and culture more than drinking until he passed out. Though, he was addicted to smoking and the devil's blood like some famous musicians he listened to as he grew up.

On the dance floor, young drunks grinded against one another- calling it dancing- while others sat at the bar or at tables drinking hard enough just to get the nerve to go fuck each other on the dance floor later on. Bartenders stood behind the bar and occasionally took shots of their own as security stood by all the entrances and exits.

Finding Mikasa was a difficult task. With Levi's head pounding to the music and the crowd of people, she blended in with nearly everyone. The only thing that made her stand out was Eren and an ash brown-haired boy who clung to her like his life depended on it. Jean clung to Mikasa, no one else would hold onto a scary girl like that.

“Levi!” Eren beamed before the others could notice Levi had arrived.

“Did I make you wait?” He asked and watched as Mikasa shook her head.

“We only got here a few minutes before. The line was long,” she complained lightheartedly.

“The line’s  _ still _ long.”

No one answered and instead Levi was led over to the a booth in the back with blood red cushioned seats that Levi sank into. Eren slid in next to him and across sat Mikasa and her boyfriend.

That boy got on Levi's nerves. He was like a bad rash that just never went away no matter what creams you applied or medications you pumped into your system. He was always there. Loud, cocky, a kid who thinks he knows everything about any topic that could be brought up. The brat made Mikasa happy though and Levi wasn't going to ruin that for her, even if Jean was a total dipshit Levi would enjoy beating the shit out of.

Levi couldn't really blame Jean for how he was though. His father only came around to buy his son's love with cars and things of the like but then over time his visits came to a slow until they stopped all together. It was a good three or four years ago that his dad vanished completely. Unlike Levi, Jean grew up in the company of a loving mother who tried to make up for the mistakes and burden's his father left behind. But the cockiness was a wall to hide the pain and loudness, a disguise used to make sure people wouldn't notice.

“Do they have a pool table?” Jean spoke up to which Levi perked up just enough for his reaction to be noticable. A game of billiards was the only thing that had the ability to bring the two together.

“Yeah,” Levi said and rose to his feet to lead the ash brown-haired kid to the back of the place where several tables were set- thankfully mostly unoccupied and made the place a bit more private. Some were occupied by groups of people, but there was one that happened to be empty and closest to them where Jean quickly began to set up the balls in their triangle shape on the felt surface.

An intense game between the four young adults had commenced. All four, mainly Eren and Jean, felt the need to be competitive even thought they wouldn’t receive anything if they won the game. Pride maybe, but Levi would never give that feeling any value, he was sure. The evil passenger took it away and instead filled Levi with disappointment for himself.

Over time, Mikasa and Eren wandered away to get food near the bar. Jean soon followed but moved to the crowded dance floor, leaving Levi alone at the pool table. He evacuated it and sat himself at their booth again, phone in hand to help pass the time while he waited for the others to come back. They didn’t, and Mikasa found herself on the dance floor with both Jean and Eren who hadn’t drank a sip of alcohol, but looked like they were by far the most drunk out of everyone in the room.

Creeping up on him was a faint itch of far off loneliness that the evil passenger would try and inch closer to Levi as a way to force himself to inject more of the devil’s blood into him. It wasn’t the craving he was used to. It didn’t feel like a craving. Stirring inside was an odd mix of feeling like needing to shoot up but knowing it wasn’t time for his next dose. The evil passenger acted like he was trying to keep Levi away from any empathetic feeling, a thought that didn’t make a bit of sense to him since it always laughed at Levi’s desperation to escape his feelings.

But, there was a way to escape that far off loneliness and that was to escape the cause of the feeling.

He was going to do just that.

Levi abandoned the booth and trudged towards the entrance on the opposite side of the club. Trying to weave through the sea of people scattered around the club without nudging or being judged by others wouldn’t be classified as an easy thing in Levi’s mind. He wasn’t one to enjoy human contact or to let others invade his space, and so trying to escape the club almost felt like others were indirectly violating him.

Across the way, Eren excused himself from the dance floor that smelled of feet and sweat. He wanted to give his aching feet a chance to relax but in the process of making his way to their booth, noticed Levi heading in the opposite direction to a back exit. Knitted brows and pursed lips shaped Eren’s expression of confusion whilst observing Levi from afar, but tried to be inconspicuous.

“Levi!” he called and reached out to place his hand on the shorter man’s shoulder.

The raven jumped in shock and turned to shoot Eren a deadly glare. “What the fuck?”   
  
“If looks could kill, right?” Eren chuckled at himself and retracted his hand simultaneously. “Where are you going?”   
  
“Away from here.” Levi kept his response vague. The boy didn’t need to know what Levi was doing or where he was going.

“Can I go with?”

_ Fuck, no you fucking can’t,  _ the evil passenger growled and tried to kick Levi towards the door.

Levi made no signs of moving. Having Eren go along with him wouldn’t be such a terrible thing, in fact it may help rid of that distant sense of loneliness because perhaps then he wouldn’t be alone.

The evil passenger laughed at Levi’s weakness.

Inhale. Exhale.

A beat passed as silence between the two fell over their heads.

An everlasting moment of anticipation to Eren, or an everlasting argument to Levi with himself- or the evil passenger which was a part of himself. What followed Levi’s long moment of thought was a small nod.

Normally, Levi would have enjoyed being alone. But feeling alone and wanting to be alone were two different things.

He didn’t want to feel alone anymore. 


	6. Memories' Silhouette

  _Everything I tried to be…_

_-_

_There was only darkness, and evil things that swam within it. The evil passenger- a craving that loved helping people, if for a price._

_It desired absolute worship. Nothing else: no feelings were allowed, only the feeling of numbness- the feeling of not feeling. If any other feeling surfaced, the evil passenger extinguished it. If light were to break through, it would swallow that far off sight of hope, and for that it seemed like the darkness would forever be eternal._

_A boy, a strange bright boy with astonishing eyes and a starlit smile had entered into a war with the evil passenger without knowing just what he was up against. It would be long time coming for the dark, since it brought light to the universe just by being near him._

_That night, the boy was rewriting the stars, including the sun that use to shine above so brightly before everything came down. He was sending down rays from the worlds that spun in space. And it was so extraordinary... just out of reach._

_The evil passenger was strong though, and only needed a shred of darkness or a scarred memory to work with. It didn't take much for it to be conjured, may it be over time against one's own wishes, or if one freely decided to let it in. It took over the minds of the weak and corrupted._

_Could one even escape from the evil passenger’s tight hold? Perhaps, but there has never once been a tale describing the task as being easy. Running from its grasp would be a treacherous battle, one full of pain and misery and wanting to fall back into the evil passenger's embrace of numbness. Leaving behind that monster isn’t easy; if only flocking back to it were harder..._

* * *

In the dead of night, the two walked down the cold wintery streets of the lively city full of young, drunken adults and criminals who thrived on the dark when most people slept.  With the absence of the sun, colder weather stormed in and painted the cheeks of those who had been walking with a rosy pink color.

Levi hadn’t felt comfortable with driving the brat out at night, especially with the evil passenger roaming through his system, and where they were going- wherever that may be- wasn’t all that far from the club. Only a few blocks away lied their destination which Eren didn’t even know existed. He would just follow Levi, even if it meant following him aimlessly into the dark.

Together they turned and made their way toward a lightly wooded area that gave Eren the spooks while to Levi it was a long-forsaken memory he had since ceased to see the importance of, but visiting the forest every now and again was refreshing somehow- and even more nice when actually having someone to go with,

Not too far outside the forest breach, a dirt path lay covered in light streams of snow and ice parallel to their walk. Following it led Levi and Eren into the forest. The path went all throughout the forest, but not too far in Levi stopped at a small wooden and beat up park with metal swings that gave a more rusted look than even Mars's surface.The swing looked like it was on its last life and on the verge of detaching from the wooden structure it was barely clinging to.

“A park?” Eren asked Levi and broke the silence that had been telepathically established once they exited the club. The younger’s confusion and curiosity had gotten the better of him, like it normally did.

“Yes: a park. Isn’t it obvious?” Levi retorted, almost too harshly for the moment. Then again, no sort of harshness towards Eren was acceptable nor necessary from Levi’s perspective. The kid simply tainted himself just by being near him.

“But why?” Reluctantly, Eren ignored the harshness billowing from the older man’s voice with such ease and tried to figure out why they were at the park himself.

A simple shrug was all Eren got for an answer. It appeared Levi wasn’t all that much into talking and Eren chose to let the topic go until a later date.

Sounds mixed of crunches of snow and wood chips filled the small area until Levi sat perpendicular on one of the swings, then it stopped only to be continued by Eren who also sat on the metal object like some horse rather than a plastic swing with chains in place of reigns. They faced one another and although their legs were freezing to the cold metal, they put up with it. However, the cold metal didn’t seem to bother Levi nearly as much as it was him.

“Hey brat?”

Eren wasn’t looking at him unlike Levi, who suddenly turned apprehensive, peering at him with honestly curious eyes, “Yeah?”

“Why were you on the streets?” Levi finally asked.

That question stabbed Eren like an arrow and he knew he probably should have expected it. His breath hitched in his throat instantly and his eyes didn’t dare to blink. Being brought back to those memories, having those thoughts spiral back to everything almost put him in tears, but after wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his coat, he let out his breath and blinked away any lingering feelings.

Gathering his thoughts into something coherent was difficult, He stuttered and tripped over his words like a child trying to walk for the first time. He didn’t know where to start or what to say for fear of saying too much or too little.

Should he start with the death of his mother several years back? Or how his father took out his own sorrow on his son? Or should he just lie and say he simply left home without a place to go to since he was old enough to leave…? Lying to Levi didn’t seem to make sense to Eren after all he’d done for him anyway.

Deep breaths escaped Eren’s nose slow and sharp. Many thoughts flooded his brain at a quick pace. Confliction went through his mind as thoughts tangled and battled with one another over which ones should leave Eren’s mouth that he ended up looking like a choking fish. Levi found it even more concerning though rather than humorous. Due to the evidential outcome, this was obviously not a joking matter.

“Um… my dad kicked me out after I stood up against his… abuse…” Eren found himself mumbling. As truthful as it may be, it was very vague but Eren didn’t want to dive too deep into the details.

“What kind of… abuse?”

Eren bit his lip roughly. “Umm… mainly verbal and physical. And after drinking a great deal… sexual. But that’s rare.” He sniffed. “Very rare,” he repeated to get the point across.

Levi fell silent and found himself unable to give a response. He was worried that if he were to answer, he’d come off as unsympathetic or possibly harsh, even though he was knew exactly what Eren had gone through, emotionally and physically.

“I get it… you wanted to get away, right? Can I ask how long…?” That was all Levi could muster up.

“I was… thirteen when it started,” he responded quietly and played with his thumbs to distract himself.

Levi nodded slowly. So much had come to mind that he wanted to say but didn’t because it involved his own past that the evil passenger was trying to help him forget. Comparing himself and the situations he had gone through with the brat wouldn’t get them anywhere so he stayed silent instead of spilling his thoughts.

Then like a truck it hit him; why was he even fighting against the evil passenger when it came to the brat? A disaster waiting to happen, a drug worse than nicotine and heroin and everything addicting in the world.

And yet, he was somehow a source of light in the dark hell he was swimming in.

_Y̶o̶u̶’̶r̶e̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶d̶d̶i̶c̶t̶e̶d̶,̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶L̶e̶v̶i̶.̶_

It was right; the evil passenger was right like always, and Levi knew if he were going to keep himself from falling deeper into those poisonous emerald eyes that contained so much life accented by scars of his past, he would have to distance himself. Falling… falling into those hopeful eyes seemed like a better way to wash away all the pain he had dealt with over the the course of his life.

_̶N̶o̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶m̶e̶,̶ ̶L̶e̶v̶i̶.̶ ̶O̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶c̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶i̶n̶.̶ ̶T̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶.̶_

Trust… that was right. Levi needed to put his trust in the hands of the evil passenger.

“We… should talk about something else,” Levi said after noticing the pain hidden in Eren’s ocean deep eyes.

Eagerly, Eren nodded and heaved like thousands of pounds had just been lifted off his shoulders.

“When did you discover your talent of… tattooing? Or just art…?” Eren asked and lifted his head a tad bit so Levi could take in all of them for what they were.

Levi almost grinned at the memory, it was one of the few good ones he kept close.

“ _Uncle, what’s this?”_

_“That, my boy, is a tattoo machine.”_

_“What’s it do?”_

_“It creates art on the skin, permanent art.”_

_“Did Mom have any?”_

_“Many. And they were all important to her.”_

_“I want one. I want many like the ones Mom had.”_

_“You’re too young, but... maybe I can start teaching you. Art seems to be your thing anyway, huh?”_

Eren gazed at the tattoo artist with the biggest of eyes that were screaming for a story from his past. He was smiling while waiting for Levi to conjure his thoughts and compose himself. For a moment, Eren could have sworn on his entire being that he saw the faintest of grins pull at the corner of Levi’s thin lips before they quickly dropped again.

His smile would be beautiful, Eren was sure of it.

“I was… twelve when I started learning how to use a tattoo machine, but I was always an artistic kid.” Levi looked back on the memory of picking up the machine for the first time. It was his uncle who showed him how to use it, the right way to hold it, the wrong way to hold it. How to add the ink to the needles. Cleanliness was already an attribute Levi harbored so Kenny didn’t need to teach him how to keep his space clean.

“Are you into art?” Levi asked, looking up again. Every freckle on the boy he caught. Every scar of acne, and this one little patch of skin on his forehead by his ear that was only a shade lighter than his skin tone. A birthmark that was no bigger than his thumb.

Shaking his head, Eren answered, “No. I can’t draw or anything for shit but I do like to look at it. And I guess you could say photography is something I enjoy.”

“Do you have a camera?” Levi questioned further with an arched brow.

“I did, but my father smashed it. It belonged to my mother.” A sad smile appeared on Eren’s features, two dimples accompanying it.

“Would you like to borrow mine? It's old but it takes good photos,” Levi offered. Getting slightly antsy, Levi pushed himself from side to side with the tips of his toes.

_Now… now Levi. It's time._

Oh no. No no no. No. It always knows when it's best to being fucking with Levi’s head.

Eren nodded and was going to give his thanks when he noticed Levi’s behavior shifting ever so slightly. He went from being still to moving the swing and scratching at his arms through the sleeves of his coat. The action seemed to have started off as occasional and done out of boredom, but as the seconds passed into minutes that seemed to last a lifetime with the silence hanging heavy like a rain cloud, he saw Levi’s scratching become more frequent and rougher.

Confusion was all he felt the more he continued observing Levi’s face lit up under the bright moonlight. The sky was clear, allowing the moon and several stars to shine and for that, Eren was thankful because he got a unique silhouette of Levi’s skin, allowing the light to bounce off slightly.

The more he watched, the more he noticed the little things, like how Levi never made eye contact with him, or anyone for that matter. Levi’s tongue started to swipe over his lips as if they were dry and it seemed that it was moving around in his mouth as well. The older man’s breathing was more shallow than what would be considered normal or healthy and it worried Eren suddenly. But his skin… Levi’s skin was light but it didn’t seem natural. Not olive or even a pasty kind of skin color. He almost looked gray. And skinny… he was so skinny for a man of his height and age. Dark circles lined the under part of Levi’s eyes, it looked almost as if he were sleep deprived or…

Eren shook his head lightly, an action that caught the attention of Levi who had seemingly been nodding off. “Brat? You’re staring. It's rude.”

“I’m sorry... But the way the light reflects your skin... is almost picture perfect,” Eren said lamely. It was the only thing in his head when he went to speak...

“Oh, take a mental image then,” he scoffed, outwardly disinterested.

“Or,” Eren reached into his pocket, “I’ll take a picture so it’ll last forever.” Before a protest could even pop into Levi’s head, Eren was holding his phone in both hands with the camera app open and quickly snapped several pictures before shoving the device into his pocket again.

He stood from the swing and took several steps back because from the way Levi’s brows knitted together and his tongue clicked, Eren could only believe that he had pissed off the artist.

Levi stood from the swing and took several long slow steps toward the boy with a scary look on his face. Eventually, Eren backed into a tree with nowhere to run because Levi was already in front of him and for once, Eren could see through him somehow.

A storm was alight in his eyes: a beautiful disaster of bright strikes of lightning and gray clouds. Eren was sure those stormy eyes would strike him down if he wasn’t careful. But there was something off about the way they looked. As beautiful as they were, Levi’s pupils were so small, like there was too much light for him. There wasn’t. It was just the moon, the stars, and the light being emitted from Eren’s phone in his pocket.

Levi inhaled and took a decently sized step back away from Eren. “I left the club because I felt alone in that crowded place. You guys just left,” Levi said out of the blue.

Emerald eyes softened and focused on the not so distant face before him holding a distant expression. “I would never just abandon you like that, Levi.”

His words were wrapped in comfort. Comfort laced in everything sweet and kind that actually made Levi feel like those words held some sort of truth in them. Comfort that made Levi want to reach out and hug the kid until he couldn't breathe anymore. Comfort that made some of the darkest places deep within want to smile and let the light in.

Levi wanted to believe them right now.

* * *

 

_Reasons to Stay Away From Eren_

_1\. His smile is always hopeful, but the evil passenger says hope is nothing more than reassurance and that having hope will get you nowhere._

_2\. He's making me feel and the whole reason I injected myself with the devil's blood was to escape feeling anything because feeling holds you back from moving forward. He's holding me back and I don't know what to do about it._

_3\. His eyes hold something I've never known. They're like a safety net and that worries the evil passenger because it has been my net of safety._

_4\. There_ **will** _come a day when he leaves me for reasons that may not seem right. Whether he becomes frustrated with me, or he's tired of me and finds me boring, he's going to leave me. There's nothing I can do about it._

_5\. He's getting too close. He'll find out my secret if I stay around him any longer._

_6\. I’m slowly falling into those eyes of his and I'd drown in that beautiful seafoam green because they're the only safe place I've come to know and I want nothing more than to use them as a way to escape this hellish reality. Those eyes drenched in poison. I want the evil passenger to see that once I am completely enveloped by that poison, I won't ever want to be released._

_7\. His interest in me is toxic to him. If I do anything good ever again, it would be to stay away._

_8\. He’s confusing. He’s just so warm. It’s his warmth._

_9\. His_ **everything**


	7. Unsanity

_Just wouldn't settle in…_

-

In the weeks to follow, the feeling of loneliness inside the darkest parts of Levi did anything but diminish back from his forefront thoughts. Something had given hope to Levi, hope that would maybe stick around and make Levi feel not so alone, but such wasn’t always the case. Since Mikasa had been reintroduced into the brat’s life, he had begun hanging out almost nights since the events of the club, leaving Levi alone in his quiet apartment once again.

He didn’t think of Eren and Mikasa bonding as a bad thing- not in the slightest- but he sometimes craved for contact around some nights- which would essentially distract him from everything else. The comfort Eren brought when Levi had his nightmares in the middle of the night was beyond anything the raven could ask for but with the brunet gone most nights, sleep was nothing but an endless roller coaster of nightmares.

Since Mikasa’s reappearance Eren had seemed much more lively and talkative than before when it was just him and Levi. That made Levi worry ever so slightly because he was afraid. Was Eren just not all that fond of him and only showed him kindness because he needed a place to stay? He could be abandoned again at any moment, things packed up and watch Eren go venture off with Mikasa.

In the back of his mind, his crowded, disastrous mind, the evil passenger spoke harshly. _It would be best to let him leave,_ it said. _He’ll only cause you pain._ Maybe it was right. Maybe Eren was just a ball of disaster and pain waiting to explode and ruin him before leaving him to rot in his own soul of regret.

The raven shook his head at his own thoughts and focused on Eren’s words as the two walked down the sidewalk covered in the snows of November after a long day of work at the tattoo shop. Levi admitted that having Eren around throughout the work days was nice but they didn't talk much for Levi was either focused on a tattoo or Eren was on the phone. His presence and occasional smiles shot Levi's way when they caught one another’s gaze made up for the lack of speaking.

Again, the older man began to nod off during the brunet’s words and it wasn’t until he placed his hand on his shoulder that Levi really began to listen to the nonsense spilling. He spoke of Mikasa and how much he would enjoy falling back into photography like back in his early high school days.

“What would you like for dinner?” Eren finally asked. All day he had been contemplating on what he would make Levi before his plans with Mikasa later that night took him away.

Knitted brows and pursed lips formed a look of intense thought for Levi. He was half tempted to tell Eren to make whatever he wanted but... knowing the brat, he’d bug Levi until he gave him an answer he would be satisfied with. (A stubborn little shit he was.)

“Mmm… pasta,” He eventually answered, but it clearly wasn’t good enough because Eren emitted a “hmph” and crossed his arms in disapproval at the vague answer.

“But what kind?” There he went with his pestering and prying.

“I don’t know, kid. Any kind is fine.”  
  
Emerald eyes sharpened at Levi and it was like there was something completely different hidden behind them. Annoyance or frustration is what it appeared to be. Something new and almost foreign to Levi when it came to the brat and all his vibrant expressions.

“You’re so difficult,” Eren mumbled under his breath, just loud enough for Levi to catch wind of.

“I’m not picky.” Levi defended over a stiff shrug. “You know my rules of what I don’t eat so you can have at it when it comes to cooking, brat.” He’d lost count of the amount of times he’d said that same line already. The younger didn’t seem to grasp the fact that Levi couldn’t give two shits about what they ate for dinner; he was satisfied with anything vegetarian and safe.

Eren puffed out his cheeks, giving the exasperated male the sudden urge to reach out and pop them to watch them deflate. But he kept his hands to himself, brushed the thought away, and looked down at his booted feet trekking through the snow.

Winter in the city was something Levi always dreaded, with asshole drivers and the cold air clinging to your cheeks like an obnoxious ex-lover was the worst combination in Levi’s opinion. Along with winter came the holidays, and Levi had never been fond of Thanksgiving or Christmas. Maybe that was because he never truly experienced them the same. He couldn’t care to celebrate them anyway. Family was important on those days, but Levi didn’t have much of one anymore and he knew friends always bugged him as well, but they all had lives outside of him and the shop.

It was already the second week into the month and the holidays were closing in quickly. Levi had no idea as to what he was going to do and the evil passenger wasn’t going to give him a minute more to think about it.

* * *

Smells of homemade cooked noodles and seasonings wafted over the small apartment and faint sounds of water boiling could be heard from the kitchen.

At the circular table sat the raven with his sketchbook and colored pencils spread out by color. He sat slouched over the table, his eyes narrowed in a focused gaze as his hand moved about the paper to create a picture the evil passenger had inspired him to draw. Normally Levi would do all his sketches at the shop when he wasn’t tattooing someone, but alas inspiration struck and he wasn’t going to just let it slip through his fingers.

Not too far away stood Eren, his eyes stuck to Levi’s back in curiosity and fascination. He admired Levi’s skill of changing ideas in his head to the realist, and often gruesome creations to somewhat of a reality. He watched the raven’s arm work on drawing the perfect line and sometimes he noticed Levi getting frustrated with certain parts with the way he shook his head and erased something. Never would he look over Levi’s shoulder when he was drawing, always watches from afar to give Levi space. And when he was done Eren would walk over and admire the kind of art he could never create himself.

Levi had offered on many occasions to give him lessons on the basics of drawing but he always turned them down. The raven had done enough for the younger and he didn’t want to seem like a bother, so he stuck to his simple photography that Levi complimented him on. They were small, yet encouraging constructive words along the lines of something like “not bad symbolism” or “good color-mix depth”, but Eren gladly took and accepted them with appreciation.

Of course the artist wasn’t the only one who gave Eren compliments on his minimalistic work. The others at the shop, like Hanji and Petra, often told Eren he had talent that he should put to use some day.  

But something inside held him back.

After straining the noodles in the sink, Eren rinsed them off with cool water before dumping them into a large plastic bowl full of the seasonings and flavourings he had prepared beforehand. With a lid over the bowl, he lifted it and shook it in order to mix the noodles and flavours well.

Eren didn't have to tell Levi dinner was done, because as if he had eyes in the back of his head, the lean, stunted man carefully shut the sketch book and put all his materials for drawing into a small black container he kept for them. He sat the items aside and stood up from his seat, making his way into the kitchen to serve himself. On several occasions Levi seemed so engrossed in his work that Eren didn't want to pull him away and took it upon himself to get the older a plate of food. But Levi had caught on and wasn't going to let it happen again.

“I could have gotten it for you-”

Levi cut him off when he lifted his hand. “You don't need to cook _and_ serve me my food. This isn't a restaurant, I can get it myself.”

In silenced defeat, Eren huffed and then gave a nod as he got himself a bowl of the warm pasta.

During the time he'd been around the reserved artist, he'd learned the little things when it comes to Levi's food: how Levi prefers his pastas to be warm over cold, even if they're meant to be refrigerated. He knew Levi enjoys peppers and white rice in his soul than noodles. When shopping, he keeps an eye out for exotic and foreign black teas for Levi as soon as the brunet discovered Levi's love (which was almost borderline obsession in the younger’s opinion) for any sort of black tea- especially the kind that isn't native to the country.

In a heavy silence, the two sat down with their bowls and began eating Well, Eren began to eat whilst it looked like Levi was picking and poking around at the pasta with half a mind even in his line of sight. Eren had half a mind to ask Levi if he didn't like the food, but Levi liked nearly everything when you extracted the fact that he's a vegetarian.

The more Eren observed, the more he noticed the same things from the night at the park: the way Levi constantly moved his tongue around his mouth and how often he dug his nails into the sleeves of his black turtleneck. His eyes never ceased a dull and dilated gaze giving off a cold shoulder to them, and bags that seemed to grow like wrinkles or a five o’clock shadow. And his skin showed no sign of leaving that unhealthy graying tone behind.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5……... 10 seconds passed before Levi excused himself from the table in a hushed crane in his obviously stressed voice as he disappeared into the bathroom down the slightly narrow hall.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5……... 10 minutes later and he still hadn't come out. Eren's curiosity peaked and before he knew it, his hand was digging into his pocket to pull out his phone.

He typed in all the things he noticed: what appeared to be dry mouth, nodding off, clawing at the skin, dilated eyes, and gray flesh tone. What had popped up in the results wasn't something Eren had wanted to believe, not in the slightest. It didn't seem impossible, but the brunet wanted nothing more than for the idea to be impossible, to be cast aside like it wasn't even a real thing. But the more his mind churned the thought, the more plausible it seemed.

His heart stopped. For a long moment it felt like he had forgotten how to do anything but stare at the raging light of the device in his hand. No coherent thought entered his head. Everything was a jumbled mess of conclusions and words that began to seem more surreal than anything.

He stopped...

...stopped thinking... breathing... when the bathroom door reopened with a creak.

Out came Levi. Nothing appeared to have changed. He seemed normal. Almost too normal. A type of normal Eren only saw after Levi vanished for minutes at a time with no real explanation.

Damn his curiosity.

Eren excused himself to the bathroom and once he was out of Levi's sight, he basically ran to the bathroom and couldn't shut the door behind himself fast enough.

His eyes danced around the small room, that reminded him of a cell but with better appliances and more privacy. His eyes clicked to the mirror that opened up with the thought that Levi might be hiding something but discarded it when he’d remember that some of his own personal items were tucked up there.

A thought. A new blistering thought hit Eren's mind like a freight train. He crouched in front of the cabinet doors under the sink and stared at them intently, like staring at them with some sort of resentful glare would get them to open on their own. But that's not how things worked, and Eren hated it it sometimes.

With shaky hands he reached out and opened the two doors with a strange sort of delicacy. Time seemed to slow as his actions progressed and the only things he could focus on were his own breathing, and the doors being forcefully opened in front of him.

.

.

Inside was nothing but several rolls of toilet paper stacked on another and personal hygiene products like extra mouthwash and even some first aid kit supplies. It looked like the under part of a normal bathroom sink, but Eren wasn't going to just have one look and be done with it.

So he stuck his hands in further and moved them around. He touched the sides and the back but stopped when he touched the top. Taped to a piece of wood in the middle of the two drawers was several baggies…

Staring at the objects felt like he had been shot in the chest, the bullet leaving behind a wound so big that let his heart slip from his chest cavity. It hit the floor and bounced only a few inches away from his feet before it began to bleed out on the white tiles.

Too many thoughts and emotions raged thought his already messed up brain. Anger, fear, sadness. Then the distant feeling of betrayal.

He should have known… how stupid of him, how naive. Never believe something in the world is perfect; if you do, ready yourself for that ‘perfect’ thing to reveal it's true colors. It would only take a matter of time. Nothing lasts forever. Eren of all people should know that.

It wasn't long before Eren was on his feet and storming out of the bathroom like the ball of jumbled emotions he was with the baggies in his hands. Levi didn't have time to answer before the full bags were tossed onto the table that once hosted their pleasant meals.

Levi stilled and for a fraction of a second his eyes widened at the sight of his 'tools’ before him. Like a snail, his dull eyes shifted to Eren's rage filled orbs.

“I… don't have a problem.” The words filled Eren with even more rage.

“You don't have a problem? Levi, correct if I'm wrong, but _those_ are the things only an _addict_ says.” Addict. The way he said it was like a punch to the gut. Eren wasn't wrong though. Levi was a disgusting addict.

_~~Dear Levi, I knew it was only a matter of time before this little world of yours came crashing down to the ground~~. _

“You need help,” Eren continued in an assertive tone.

Levi was on his feet, his eyes glued to Eren's face. “No, I don't. I'm fine.”

Eren shook his head violently and ran his hands through his chocolate brown strands. “I can't… I can't fucking watch you kill yourself the same way my mother did! On purpose!… With no thought whatsoever of who she was hurting around her in the end.” Eren locked eyes with the man before him. Inhale. Exhale. “I can't go through that pain… _torture_ again. So either you get help or I'm gone.”

An ultimatum… the brat was giving him an ultimatum and he was at a loss as to how to respond. He wasn't prepared for Eren- or anything for that matter- to discover the ugly truth he had been hiding for years. And to be given an ultimatum on the spot, it was too much for his mind to handle.

For years, he had kept everything under wraps with not even a single sign that anything was off. But then an all too curious brat who gave himself the right to snoop shows up and before Levi can even comprehend what's going on, his world and everything in it comes crashing to the ground without a warning.  

Levi felt unsane. In that moment he felt so incredibly mundane. Not insane for he still had some speck of sanity left inside somewhere. But in some way, he didn't feel like he could get a grip on the world crashing into him. Suffocating. _Unsane:_ without the ability  to grip his thoughts.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... seconds passed.

Levi answered.

“No… I don't need help.”

At first, Eren was shocked, but quickly coming to understand what Levi had said, he was gone. Out the door. Gone. Abandoning the promise he made to Levi not too long before.

_“I wouldn't never just abandon you.”_

~~_What a lie… a sweet like full of a false hope_~~ _,_ the evil passenger whispered right in Levi's ear.

And just as he was leaving, Mikasa was coming in, her sights set on Levi next to a table, a bag full of the sins that have made Levi unsane...and all around him,

Could have been sanity.


	8. Bet on Me

_ If I told you what I was... _

_ - _

Toxins had always swam in his ice cold blood: everything from cigarettes, to Molly, and LSD had circulated his system at least one point or another during his damnation of a life. But eventually, he discovered that none of that would solve his desire and need for forgetting  _ everything.  _ Cocaine seemed reliable but at the same time wasn't: it gave him hallucinations that almost seemed worse than what really happened. Heroin wandered into his world one day and just like that, his world turned dull and gray and almost seemed… bearable. 

Levi had never been one to hope or wish or pray, but when he finally tried the devil's candy and discovered how much resentment that was shown toward it, he hoped, prayed, and wished that no one would ever find out. For years, it worked. Everything stayed under wraps and no one seemed to suspect a thing. 

But Eren- that all too curious brat Levi had gotten too comfortable with and dependent on in the few months Eren was with him- destroyed everything in mere seconds. It could have been avoided had Levi hid things better or in a different location entirely. 

~~_ Disposing of the brat would have been my first option.  _ ~~

It was right, the evil passenger was right, like always. It knew what was best for Levi since the very first second they’d met. Such an alluring voice. He never stood a chance against it, and was attracted in the worst of ways. Since then, it helped to discard all the shit that had never mattered to him easier than he ever could, all the while keeping him together, roaming through him freely, willingly, he accepted it. 

Now… the one person Levi had been so desperately trying to hide from was standing in front of him, a look of horror and betrayal plastered on her face like it was the only expression she knew how to make- but it never suited her, he thought. 

In her eyes Levi could see glossing over with terror, were tears spilt, and Levi had half a mind to acknowledge her somehow, but taking the smallest step forward, she jerked back before he had ever touched her. 

Betrayal turned to anger and she took the necessary steps to slap Levi right across his face. She would have done it again but something held her back, and then he saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. She was calmer, he thought, watching him reel back. But no- she wasn’t really.

“Is that really… what... I think it is?” She asked in the smallest whisper Levi had ever heard from her. She sounded defeated, helpless. 

“What do you think it is?” He returned. Levi knew it wasn't the time to get snarky, but he wasn't in control.

“A death wish,” Mikasa retorted in the harshest tone. “Why?...”

Levi gave her a shrug. Mikasa didn't have to be tortured by those  _ people _ . She was treated with more respect, and never endured the pain of losing their mother. She hardly had to endure the pain of Kenny leaving them behind years later. Mikasa wouldn't understand her older brother's misery and he wouldn't know where to begin to describe it to her.

“How long?” She asked, he voice still grating. 

“Listen, Mikasa-”

“How fucking long, Levi?” 

“A… while,” he stated without ever looking at her. 

“What’s gotten into you…? Wh-...why couldn't you tell me?!” Her voice broke the previous demeanor, rage clearly visible in her blurry, hot gaze. 

He retaliated. “Because I knew you'd act like this! You don't understand, Mikasa, and you never fucking will. It’s helping-”

“It helps? What!? It helps you get off the rocks fucking high? I think you're an  _ addict _ and you need to get help-”

He grit his teeth. Not this again.

Mikasa rose her hand after a minute that seemed to prey on Levi. She watched the ordeal in mock horror when he ignored her, pausing even before his hand shot out. Levi still felt like stopping her when she broke his silent grim glare, his hand shot out to grip her wrist. She crumbled, her legs tripping over one another as she moved backwards, the door catching her. 

She stared back at him: his dull eyes with bags under them and matte skin a shade of death. 

She finally noticed. 

After years, she finally noticed how dead he looked, inside and out. Her hands wanted to reach out and break that wall she knew had finally separated them, now that she could see it. Because she knew what he had to deal with as a child, but she couldn’t. It was no excuse for him to kill himself with  _ that  _ drug. 

“Levi, let me help you. You could die.” She whispered again.

“Maybe... that's my goal.” He didn’t hold back honesty now. There was no point. She wanted this conversation, he could see it.\

Her face twisted up in pathetic confusion and spluttered out, “That's selfish, Levi. You're selfish and insane!”

_ All addicts are,  _ he told her mentally, sneering at her even though she hadn’t heard him.

“Don't come crawling to me when everything turns to shit for you.” Like that, after her words, she was gone. She disappeared behind the door and Levi watched from the window as she got into her car, Eren already sitting in the front seat with a dead look in his eyes. 

She was gone. Eren was already gone. The emptiness that once inhabited Levi was back and stronger than what he remembered. Growing close to anyone wasn't a good idea. What a mistake he made. 

Once the car was no longer in sight, Levi drifted away from the window and stood in front of the table where the everything that destroyed him lay. The urge to take another dose arose despite the dose Levi had just taken not long before. Just one more wouldn't hurt.

Levi was gone.

* * *

 

He didn't have the energy and his soul was spent. Levi didn’t drag himself to work. It was too soon to face anyone. He was certain a blabbering brat would have been there with their  friends  co-workers about now, the disgusting truth he had done his best to hide a moot point and a damn good excuse for avoidance. 

Instead, he used every bit of energy he had from the sleepless night before to drag himself from his bed the same as every morning. In the shower he couldn't focus and almost fell asleep, managing to keep himself awake by turning the water an ice temperature. With blood rushing and heart pumping, he was out and dressed within moment's.

On the counter next to the sink sat his bags, needles, spoons, and blue rubber tourniquet. They had ruined the budding friendship with Eren and the relationship he’d established with his sister over the years. In the blink of an eye, both abandoned him and probably wouldn't think of him the same. To Eren, Levi was there to help him out once, and to Mikasa, he was the older brother who'd been through shit and still managed to get going. But he still had that hell, fallen into a pit of his own fear. He was no longer a good person, nor a proper crutch for the brat, though he knew that already.

He couldn’t resist. In fact, Levi didn’t even try to resist the urge to shoot up and make the slightest feelings go away. He slid down the counter onto the rug in front of it and with shaky hands, rummaged through each bag carefully. The process of cleaning his arm and tying his bicep was second nature to the addict. Cooking the heroin on the burnt spoon and sucking up the liquified poison into the syringe was a rush in and of itself. And just as the needle struck the vein, he pressed the top down and felt a race through his blood.

It felt right- oh, so right that Eren or Mikasa didn’t enter his mind for several long moments. 

But it wasn’t enough. 

Levi was up and on the move quickly- well, quicker than expected. He approached the two cabinet doors. There was the box of razors, all clean and unused, and once brought out from the dark wash cabinet, the metal objects reflected the artificial light above him. Levi could see his own face in the many slivers and with how small they were, he appeared less sickly than he did in the mirror. An illusion. How nice. 

Levi sat the rather full box aside after he took out one razor. It wasn’t long before he was slicing the sharp side of the objects across the pale skin on his wrist. Once for Mikasa’s look of betrayal. Once for Eren’s face as he gained some awareness. One for each of the people he worked with who most likely no longer wanted anything to do with. Petra. Hanji. Sean. Even that bastard Jean. And his mother… the one he knew would be so incredibly disappointed in his actions. 

Quickly he snatched a white towel that once hung on the metal bar across from the vanity and held it there before switching hands. His blue-gray slitted eyes ran over each scar that covered the front and back of his forearm. At first, he started cutting in horizontal lines but eventually he ran out of room and had to start cutting vertically before switching to a new direction. There was barely any clean skin left when adding each scar by the razor and the marks left behind by needle injections up by his elbow crease. 

To stop the bleeding he wrapped up each arm in an ace bandage with gauze underneath. He pulled the black sleeves of his shirt down like nothing had happened, and left the bathroom, after cleaning up of course.

Feeling had its perks. With feeling came the feeling of love and joy- all things most people want to feel. But with love and joy comes jealousy, pain, envy. He felt too much pain to care about anything else, he only ever wanted to be rid of the memories. He used to care once but with caring came everything else. So he stopped. 

That day he could feel, though. Pain was all that greeted him. He needed it to go like before, to just disappear but the evil passenger wasn't doing its job. Maybe it was punishment for being disobedient, but Levi would much rather feel nothing than the pain that had taken hold of his insides.

Levi needed to banish the pain if the evil passenger wasn't going to. 

The apartment took on an eerie quiet as he ventured into the even darker living room. With each breath he took, he could hear his lungs fill and then deflate when the air escaped. He could make out the plush sound of his feet onto the carpet and the almost silent sound of the framework settling. 

On the table were the dishes from last night, Levi's barely touched dinner and Eren's nearly empty bowl. His chair was still pushed back while in the kitchen sat the gray pot of old noodles. 

Levi slipped on his boots and pulled on the black coat that kept him warm on the coldest days. He pulled down his black wool hat over his ears, sinking into it like a comfort, but it was too itchy for that. 

Walking out of the apartment seemed different without the brat by his side. Silly Levi, he had grown to enjoy having the brat walk by his side as they made their way to work or the store. And on the rarest of days they'd drive and Levi found his gaze flicking to the side to see the brat’s profile.

Now when Eren's face popped into his mind Levi cringed. Brown locks he once wanted to weave his fingers through now reminded him of dirt or mud. Those emerald eyes. They were ugly, an ugly green. Those ugly green eyes that hold a similar tone as algae.  _ That's  _ what they looked like: algae. And to Levi, algae was disgusting. He hated the way Eren would smile at him or laugh because it wasn't fair the way he could be so happy in whatever this hellish world they lived in threw at him. He hated how the shitty brat outgrew him even as a teen. He hated that golden tan hue while his own reflected the snow under his feet, but that was his fault.

He hated Eren.

He hated him.

Hated him. 

_ Hate. _

But… 

His car smelled of something sweet like candy and in defeat, Levi rested his forehead on the leather steering wheel at the remembrance of Eren. He shook his head in a failed effort to rid of the brat’s ugly algae eyes and shit colored hair from his memories. He had more important things to focus on and Eren was far from important at that current moment. 

Driving was dangerous but driving with sliced arms that still felt unsteady blood flow and a fresh dose of opiates racing through him was insane, not to mention illegal but it was too cold to walk. Perhaps walking would be good for him, the cold would make him worry more about his piercings freezing his face than the emotional sludge drowning his brain. But then again, his destination was too far. Walking could result in frostbite or hypothermia. 

Pulling himself together, his hand dropped down to the center console and fished around for the keys to start the car. It emitted an awful sound in the process of revving up but started nonetheless and began to warm up slowly when the heat was turned on. The muscles in his body relaxed upon feeling heat fill the car. 

Warmth… it felt nice.

During his drive to the warehouse, Levi began daydreaming. He created himself another life, a dream life and a reality for someone else. One without the emotional shit and the physical scars from the past and the ones he creates himself in the present. A new life where heroin didn’t surge through his system, one where his sister wouldn’t find him repulsive and Eren looked up to him again and swooned at his artistic skills. 

But that was all a delusion powered by his own fantasies and desires to live in that world for he wasn’t lucky enough to live like that, even in his days as a small child he didn’t have the luxury of knowing what it was like to be a child. It was a delusion that made him crave an escape from his life by any means. 

No one would miss him. Hell, he was sure people would forget about his very existence because he didn’t make a great impact in anyone's life and hoped to keep it that way. 

The way he saw it: if you’re still breathing, you’re lucky... because he was heaving through corrupted lungs. And if you’re still bleeding, then you were still feeling, because most of his feelings had died and were gone. Living like that wasn’t living, he was ghosting his way through life the best he could. 

He was barely living. 

* * *

 

Erwin stood overlooking the lower level to the warehouse with people moving about the concrete floor to set up the fighting ring for the events taking place that night. The blond man above shot Levi a cunning smile and lifted his arm to give the raven a small wave of greeting. Levi gave no response and instead made his way up the industrialized stairs. 

“You look like hell,” Erwin’s deep voice said in amusement once Levi was in hearing range. A laugh followed his words causing Levi’s blood to boil.

“I’m pretty sure at this point I’m the living embodiment of hell,” Levi stated with arms crossed almost defensively and leaned on the railing. 

“Maybe we’ll invent something further than hell, give people something else for people to believe in then,” a snort left Erwin’s lips as he spoke.

Levi ignored him. “Who's fighting tonight?” he asked, switching the conversation to a topic that wasn’t so third degree from his perspective. 

Erwin, being the know-it-all he was, listed off the names of the people who would be fighting in the ring below them. The names against Levi’s ears made him feel more confident about the decision he had made during the previous drive.

“That’s it,” Erwin concluded. “Why do you care so much tonight?”   
  
Levi didn’t answer, he gave no shrug. Having Erwin know of Levi’s plans wouldn’t suffice for either of them. 

Soon enough, after what felt like an eternity but was only a few mere hours of standing and talking, fighters and watchers alike began to flood the lower half of the large building. Money was collected and bets were placed and eventually, right before Levi’s eyes, people circle around the makeshift fighting ring.

“Bet on me, would you?” Levi grumbled out and shed everything but his pants and long-sleeved shirt.  He left everything with Erwin and made his way down the stairs only to jump in the ring himself.

Cutting his wrists and injecting himself with toxins didn’t rid of the pain that Eren left behind when he suddenly left. But something would. Letting out the aggression and pain bottled inside by taking it out on others seemed like a reasonable option in Levi’s fucked mind. He wasn’t sure if he would have the greatest strength to fight back against anything at this point, but he needed to try. If he didn’t manage to channel what he was feeling then he’d get the shit beat out of him, which he equally deserved. 

Once in the ring with the person who could either make or break Levi, he became painfully aware of the people around him shouting. Erwin’s voice could be made out in the crowd, shouting words of question and worry toward his  friend acquaintance in the ring. The raven ignored him, ignored everyone, but the person standing ready in front of him, who looked neither confused or disappointed, and welcomed Levi mockingly.   
  
Levi readied himself and at the sound of the bell being hit, the shorter male managed to take a swing at the much taller and better built man before him. Although his hand stung from the contact, he did it again. And again. Turns out, the years of self defense Kenny put Levi through wasn’t going to waste after all, but it was clear that Levi was not only rusty but weaker as well. Yet, he took control of the situation. 

The man was on the ground and Levi kept bringing his foot into his side until the bell rang again and he was declared the winner. One fight wasn’t enough, though, so he stayed in the ring and waited. When the next fighter was in, Levi beat him down too easily. 

And that’s how the night carried out. Fight after fight and Levi still wasn’t feeling better, but physically worse instead. 

With fights won under his invisible belt, he sat in his car with a large chunk of the winnings from the betting pool and sighed heavily. He felt no better. What a stupid idea. His body ached and his lungs craved for air. Sitting in his car gave his body time to relax while he took deep breaths to calm himself down. 

One disaster after another… it was almost as if his soul was welcoming each one that walked his way and he didn’t know what to do about them. Just like before, he was alone and battling his internal headache. 

Having Eren around would be nice, even if it was just for the company. 

But he hated him… 

...the evil passenger told him so.


	9. Chapter 9

_ Would you turn your back on me... _

-

_ What is a day? _

The cold tiles of the bathroom floor. They made up his day.

He was gliding mindfully into the future, imagining what it might be like, seeing the sun again. The evil passenger was content in his position: hidden away with a syringe containing everything that had ever helped him. Loneliness wrap him in its cold, taunting embrace.

Loneliness often lurked nearby, waiting for the perfect moment to take hold of any weaknesses. And it never left. Although it appeared absent for a while, it remained beneath his skin and soul, protecting its territory. And when it crept out, it felt almost as if it never left. It never did. What most people weren’t aware of was that miserable loneliness truly did love company in the end.  

Levi referred to himself as a living embodiment for loneliness. He felt like he blended in with the crowd and when he tried to find the comforting company of others, he only ruined them in the end. He drove them away because of what lived inside his blood. A monster who made Levi into the somewhat functioning, emotionally devoid being that he was.

How long had it been since he last spoke to anyone?Had it only been a day since Eren ran out of his life and took his disappointed sister with him?

Years is what it had felt like: years upon years, but it had only been a little under twenty-four hours since he last found himself with a warm flesh and blood human by his side. He didn’t have the heart to confront anyone for the fear of what all his  friends coworkers would think.

The syringe lay full in his hand as the tourniquet squeezed his upper arm tightly. Intrusive thoughts ruined his chance of trying to gather himself long enough to make a rational decision. Long enough for him to stop from plunging the needle into one of the veins by his elbow crease. But even with a mind that was remotely stable, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from shoving the needle down.

Because before he knew it, all the pain was gone and a new small hole was made already permanent in his ghostly translucent skin.

He sat thinking as the cold of the white tile flooring seeped through the jeans he had been wearing since the day before; he didn't have the energy to change out of them. He thought about Eren, about his goofy smile and shit coloured hair. Would things be different if Levi hadn't walked down the dark alley that led to his current situation. If he wasn't addicted, would he have met Eren or would they head down the same separate paths they were supposed to?

Levi wasn't sure, in fact, he wasn't sure of much of anything anymore. But there was one thing he was sure of. Eren was a dangerous collection of all the things Levi had been warned to keep his distance from upon signing a blood binding contract.

_ “Get up, Levi. Don't let him make you feel like less than human, _ ” the evil passenger whispered right in Levi's ear.

“I'm not human…” Levi spoke out loud. No one was there, and he knew this. But in his head lived the one thing that had kept him company throughout the years. He had gotten so used to its presence that talking out loud was a small fluke in the scheme of things- tedious almost by comparison. “I'm a disgusting monster.”

“ _ Maybe, you aren't wrong… But Levi, this is proof that you should have listened to me. He'll tear you down and down again, just like  _ **_they_ ** _ did. He'll take me away, you'll feel  _ **_all_ ** _ of that pain again. _ ” The words were taunting as they echoed through Levi's head. As always, to no surprise, every word that flowed from it was so incredibly right.

No matter how right It was, Levi still wanted Eren and Mikasa in his life. She was his sister, and Eren… Eren was Eren and that was more than enough for Levi to simply crave his presence. His gentle eyes hid the pain he had dealt with, Levi could see it because he, too, had those eyes once. Until the evil passenger covered up whatever soul he had left. His kind laugh that sounded like it could cure any deadly disease. Levi once heard that laugh, but before it could mend him the slightest bit, he drove Eren away.

There was no one to blame but himself. It was his fault that Mikasa and Eren ran out of his life like it was nothing, and it was his fault that his secret was probably out to the people that surrounded him at work. He was certain he would no longer have a job and the people at the shop thought of him as a disgusting, pitiful loser just like they did.

“ _ It's for the best, _ ” the evil passenger cooed and ran it's long, ugly fingers along Levi's jaw. “ _ You don't have to rely on anyone but me. I'll never leave you. _ ”

It was right. It was right but it was always wrong. Levi needed Mikasa. He depended on their lunch appointments to make it through the rest of the week. Her constant pestering was a comforting reminder that someone out there cared for him some way. And he went and fucked it up.

And Eren… he just needed the brunet’s presence.

He didn’t… No. He just _was_ _no longer_ going to obey was he? He didn’t want to be lonely forever, right? He didn’t always have to trust the evil passenger.

Why? Levi wasn't too sure of that himself, because the evil passenger was the only thing to have managed to ease Levi's suffering just enough so he could coexist- barely- with others. The evil passenger presented itself like it was the only good thing in the world, but as Levi continued to drown within his mind on that bathroom floor, with the little coherent thought he had, he slowly realized that the evil passenger wasn't all it presented itself as.

Eren was good, in heart and mind, he was perfect. Eren could be the addict's little bit of light in the darkness he had been surrounded in for as long he could remember.

_~~I hope you’re happy~~. _

Why wouldn’t he be? He had friends. He wasn’t a massive screw up that he couldn’t turn his life around. Eren was going somewhere. They had his back, and he was glad for that. Eren was happy.

But was it enough?

Hope. Joy. Salvation.

In order for any of that to become a slight possibility, in order for Eren to even reconsider looking at Levi without disgust written across his features, Levi knew that he would have to take the first step to earn Eren's trust back, if there was any trust, to begin with.

It started with him. His salvation had to lie with him, but fighting against the evil passenger’s hunger and desires was a fight Levi didn't want to go at alone. He had no choice.

Levi used the wall to steady himself once he had risen to his tingling feet. He waited for the pins and needles feeling to vanish before he drug himself out of the bathroom with what little energy still flowed through his body.

Emotionally drained would be a good way to describe his state. Emotional purgatory would be even better. They just wouldn’t leave him alone.

It would take another few hours for the high to escape his system, meaning almost immediately after he'd be met with the aches and pains that he hated more than himself. Symptoms of withdrawal came on fast and it was all thanks to the evil passenger's need to constantly be fed. The pain, cold sweats, and vomiting were all courtesy of the evil passenger's neediness.

“ _ What are you doing? _ ” It spoke in the same disoriented voice as always when it was high. It didn't have a distinguished gender as its voice sounded neither masculine nor feminine. The voice it created sounded like a mix of the two, or maybe neither. Levi had never been able to tell, and while questioning it was an option, he knew it would be ludicrous to do so. After all, it was a being he had to create to describe the monstrous urges lurking inside.

Levi gave no answer, pulling himself toward the dark, empty kitchen. He imagined Eren standing in front of one of the counters, a long-sleeved shirt with the words  _ Riverdale  _ printed across it covering the upper half of ripped skinny jeans. Faint hums being emitted from the boy stirring a  spoon in a black teacup, freshly hot as Levi liked it. 

 

“ _ Don’t fucking ignore me! You know what’ll happen.” _

That he did. And it wasn't going to stop him.

As if everything in his life was back to normal, Levi walked into the kitchen, the tile flooring stinging his feet awake through his thin socks, and went through the simple process of making himself some much-needed tea.

While waiting, he leaned on the counters with crossed arms and a hung head, his mind swimming out of control. They all lingered in his mind.

Although he was the one who fabricated it all that time ago, it remained an outside identity that Levi kept close by but never outright merged thought with up until this point. They were separate, but enjoyed the same things and agreed most of the time. But he was sure that were he to tell anyone about this passenger's existence, they'd know he was insane.

He wouldn't deny them though. He needed someone. Was this his salvation in the end? In a sense, was it possible he saved himself? The fact that he knew now it was evil in its essence was a sure-fire answer that no, in fact, he could not save himself. A salvation of pain was all it caused him, no matter how good it felt in the moment. That was all it could ever be, and he only accepted what made sense. Pain made the most sense to him. Were anything else to come along in his life, he drained it of life and tossed it right back out.

Anything that survived his wrath only got out before he could get that far.

The tea was ready and with weak, shaky hands, he grabbed the mug and carried it over to a reclining chair he had marked as his when Eren showed up. The brat had planted himself in the chair when he began to feel more comfortable in the house and Levi wasn’t having it as he snapped for the first time.

Levi crossed his legs and sipped on the edge. If Eren were there he’d be lounging on the couch with his feet hanging off the edge slightly because he was too big for it. The T.V. would be on but Eren would be paying attention to his phone instead of whatever he turned on. Swear words of frustration would leave his lips and Levi would have to tell the brat to keep down, though he never would.

The raven would never admit it out loud, or to the evil passenger, but he missed Eren on a physical level, almost reacting to something that wasn’t there, or cringing as he noticed the true silence of the place that he never noticed before. Having someone to talk with daily, to walk to work with, to eat meals with every day was an aching thing that he wasn’t sure where to place. It never became this much of a problem before. What was getting into him?

Sleep deprivation weighed on his narrow shoulders as thoughts bored unwelcome in his tired mind. For the first time in a long time, he felt his eyes grow heavy, wanting to shut and make up for the years of actual sleep missed out on. To dream of a better life, one with friends that replaced the fictional ones. One where he wasn’t consumed by something greater than himself. Gradually his vision began blurring, his eyes no longer wanted to stay open, and Levi didn't fight it. Lines of reality slipped away, and Levi welcomed the company his mind treated him to where a familiar face lulled to him comfort and acceptance, not bothering with trivial things, but really being there for him.

He knew it was a farce. A stupid dream. But it could be reality for now.

He managed to place the teacup on the side table before he was yanked from the world of the aware into the world of dreams.

-

Pain...of the mind. Aching. And knots the size of tennis balls that were probably deforming his skin drew him quickly out of his considerable comfort. Was it too cold? Or just a cold sweat?

Levi jolted awake sometime in the middle of the night when the bones in his body began to brittle like wet concrete, his skin feeling unbearably cold and numb from the moment his eyes flew open. His eyes flew around the dark room, landing on a clock across the room. With the little bit of moonlight shining in he was able to see that it was two in the morning. He tried to shift in the seat to pull himself up but stopped the moment he felt hundreds of knives plunge in his skin.

“Fuck,” he spat under his breath and squeezed his eyes shut as he settled back against the chair.

Afterwards came a snort, or at least something that sounded like a snort. “ _ When will you learn? Are you really willing to endure this for some kid who was willing to walk out on you?”  _ it asked. “ _ Or for the girl who's supposed to be your sister?” _

The man didn't answer. Instead, he reopened his eyes and, little by little, pulled up from the chair. Each movement caused a snap. On his feet, a minute later, he grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped his shoulders up. The warmth hardly helped rid the cold he felt in his blood.

His legs carried him to the bathroom and he collapsed on the floor, the impact causing more explosions through his body and finally into his brain. Levi ignored it and scurried to the toilet, instantly hurling up the little bits of food and liquid from his stomach. And even after his stomach was emptied, he kept puking until the only thing that kept coming was the acid of his stomach.

Chuckles erupted from a distant maniacal voice. “ _ You look pathetic, Levi. Really pathetic.” _

During the few moments the pale raven was able to keep his head up, he flushed and leaned back against the wall across from the toilet. Next to him was the tub he leaned his head on the edge of. He shook like a scared dog and occasionally wiped the sweat from his forehead. His brows furrowed and he cringed when he discovered his bangs were almost glued to his forehead from the sweat.

“ _ Come on Levi… it's right there. Under the cabinet. All your suffering can be undone in an instant.”  _ The words echoed in his head, bouncing off his skin and diving through his brain like a revived wire. “ _ Like it was never even there... _ ”

Levi violently shook his head as best he could with it still resting on the hard porcelain tub and brought shaky hands up to cover his ears in a fruitless attempt to block out that wicked voice. He could still hear it though, of course, he could still hear it taunting him.

_ “It's so hard to escape a being that lives inside you,” _ it continued.

The pain persisted. His body shivered through his empty bones, the sweat soaking his body only making him even colder. Uncontrollable coughs that lasted minutes on end seemed to come more frequently which resulted in his head finding its way into the toilet again once the fits of coughing were over.

His body was detoxing and, tossed into hell without any warning. With the taunting words of the evil passenger so loud and his body in physical distress, he wondered what it would be like to be dead. And then he began to envy the dead. Nothing was hurting them. Nothing could ever hurt them again no matter what. A world where he wouldn't have to rely on a toxin just to keep himself away from emotional pain, where he doesn't need that drug to keep himself away from the state he was already in.

“ _ Levi… what are you trying to prove?” _

And he fell silent. The evil passenger waited as Levi replayed those words over again. What was he trying to prove? Was he trying to prove that he could get better on his own? He couldn't. He wasn't trying to prove anything to anybody. So why was he trying so damn hard to get through this nightmare?

“ _ If you keep this up, you'll be dead.” _

“Have… you ever stopped to... think that maybe… that's my goal?” Levi asked out loud, his head swaying out of weakness and forced irritation at the obvious sounding answer.

“ _ Of course. But dying in this sort of situation? It's quite pitiful.” _

“I'm already pitiful.”

“ _ Don't pull that shit with me. You know you want-,” _

Heavy like rain clouds, a silence sat over Levi. His forehead rested against the toilet seat while his arm hung in his lap, clutching...nothing. The blanket he had wrapped around himself began to slip down his back and the cold flooring had begun to cause more aches in his bones.

Why did it sound so bad again? He’d never thought about dying as scary. But why was he fooling himself?....Trying to fool something that knew his thoughts already?

_ What would I miss? _

His face was drenched in cold sweat, pulling himself up, but his throat also constricted. It seemed like he was fighting to stay down. Why was he fighting it?  _ What would he miss!  _ He couldn’t answer it himself.

Just... one more time then… one more time.

He was moving, sliding, pulling himself across the floor. Everything he ever needed to keep going sat there, waiting for him. With fumbling fingers, Levi wondered how he managed to get his needle prepared, but didn't waste another thought as he plunged the evil passenger's food back into his bloodstream.

An evil, hungry devil lived within inside Levi. A being willing to do whatever it takes to get what it wants. Disgusting. Maniacal. Selfish. Cynical...

.

.

.

And that being? Well, it was just a darker part of Levi.

-

**_Reasons to not do heroin:_ **

  1. **_It's taken my ability to live on my own without worrying about shooting up every few hours._**
  2. **_It's ruined the few decent relationships I ever managed to make. The one person alive I know who carries the same blood detests me. I can't banter with her over how protective she is. It's like I no longer have a sister._**
  3. **_It could kill me. [Would I mind? No. Would others? Fuck if I know.]_**
  4. **_It's ruining my body, my fucking lungs. My skin. M y  m i n d._**
  5. **_Because of it, I've hurt him, betrayed him in ways only I could ever imagine._**
  6. **_You’ve left me with no one but you to depend on…_**
  7. **_I don't know how much longer I can handle this…_**




End file.
